“My skin hasn’t been sleeping. It stays awake just itching for a fight.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I’m having a conversation with my clone, am I having an interior dialogue externally?” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I want to open up a counter-culture club. It’ll be anti-established in 2012.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll see a tree and be reminded of her. So I’ll have to go have sex with that tree.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover up your infidelity. Either use the blanket to hide your cheating ways, or figure out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Walk around with an open can of tuna in your pocket. You know, for a way to start conversations and offer strangers… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“If the word "committee" were an acronym, the two "T"s would stand for time travel. How else can a group waste so… — Jarod Kintz Acronym Copy Share Image
“The moment I laid eyes on her I knew she was somebody else, somebody I could love. And since somebody else never… — Jarod Kintz Fall in love Copy Share Image
“I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but also to say thanks for… — Jarod Kintz Booger Copy Share Image
“I don’t care about being cool. I just want to be loved by half the world (100% of the female population).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.” — Jarod Kintz Artist Copy Share Image
“Networking isn’t synonymous with partying. If you’re doing it right, partying seems libraryesque in comparison.” — Jarod Kintz Networking Copy Share Image
“If love had its limits, and those limits tasted like lasagna, could you see yourself dating a can of chicken noodle soup?… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be drenched in water, frozen, and then enjoyed like a giant cotton popsicle by prisoners of a gulag, who… — Jarod Kintz Gulag Copy Share Image
“Starbucks has odd drink sizes. I say man’s hands were meant to be cupped, so pour the hot coffee right in. But… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I want to direct a movie called “Sleep” that’s sure to put everybody to the title. The whole movie will look like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am possibly the world's greatest magician, because I don't just vanish off stage, I vanish from your memory. I'll bet you're… — Jarod Kintz Magic Copy Share Image
“I carry a little plastic tub with me, and I put my most valuable possessions in them—my means of travel, which are… — Jarod Kintz Possessions Copy Share Image
“I guess I should be thankful. Full of thank. But what is thank? I can't eat thank, so I know my stomach… — Jarod Kintz Gratitude Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to divide people. All men who oppose me should get on top of the blanket, and all… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“How many supermodels can you fit in a toothpick canister? I don’t know, but I prefer floss.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.” — Jarod Kintz Meteorologist Copy Share Image
“I like horse farms. I like the idea of animals growing on trees.” — Jarod Kintz Animals Copy Share Image
“I’ve got better things to think about than thoughtlessness.” — Jarod Kintz Better things Copy Share Image
“The boxer had two black eyes. But that’s to be expected, since he was from Africa.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Your penis is a whistle. My penis is a flute. And I’ve got a tromboner for your girl.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If frogs tasted like chicken, I’d gladly jump in the frying pan. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are whiskers in my soup, and my spoon smells like my cat’s ass.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My name is Dawn. It’s not a female name. I am Sunset’s brother.” — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.” — Jarod Kintz Drought Copy Share Image
“I want to weigh less, not through diet and exercise, but by acquiring a faulty scale.” — Jarod Kintz Diet and exercise Copy Share Image
