“I asked my doctor for the best gift ever: Life. Still, he wouldn’t take one for me.” — Jarod Kintz Best gift Copy Share Image
“I just took a shit that smelled like a dentist’s office. Open your mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like a friend, if you’re the sort of person who uses their friends. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If you could change War’s name, do you think you’d change its nature?” — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“Writing all day every day is good, but it’s not good enough. You need to have your clone ghostwriting for you too.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“My time at the pool went swimmingly. Better than a nude beach, because I was the only one who was naked.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“My ears are as blind as my eyes are deaf. But my nose, it can see the truth, except when I block… — Jarod Kintz Blind Copy Share Image
“With me and my girl, I’m number one—and she’s the index finger. We’re the same, but I go where she points.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I’m tired, I say, “I’m calling it a night.” Well, what else am I going to call it? Nathan?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be grown on a tree, much like an apple or money, so that maybe humanity could achieve world peace—starting… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick can and should be used as a telephone, because that way I won’t feel so bummed out that she never… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everywhere I go, I’m second to arrive. My reputation precedes me, and sometimes it skips out on the bill.” — Jarod Kintz Reputation Copy Share Image
“The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Don’t be alarmed by the flashing lights and the sirens you can’t see or hear. Just keep your blindfold on, your earplugs… — Jarod Kintz Driving Copy Share Image
“If I were a box of cereal, I wouldn’t want to talk about myself any more than I do now. Just flip… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Writing is the art of remembering and forgetting. You must forget what you’ve already written, because if you’re dwelling on your old… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Sometimes a symbol holds more power than the thing it represents. Like the symbol for Thing, the one I created that is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the late afternoon sky, the moon had the smoky hue of the hazy horizon, and the matching clouds looked like faint… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My eyes are so close together that when I cross my eyes, my irises actually trade places. My skin is so craterous… — Jarod Kintz Eyes Copy Share Image
“To choose to chew, rather than converse with my fellow dinner guests, was the choice I made when I chose the chewiest… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“-Is he dead? -Gosh I hope so, because I went to a lot of trouble to dig his grave.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mr. Bass, would you say you fish a lot? Or do you prefer strumming stringed instruments?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I told her “Have a good weekend.” Then I thought, “Idiot. It’s Sunday night.” — Jarod Kintz Sunday Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a stand in for a liar’s face. Go on, punch that liar in his face. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am cursed. Everybody around me dies. It just might take a hundred years for them to do so.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hung a large pizza over my window, because it was more delicious than curtains.” — Jarod Kintz Pizza Copy Share Image
“At the bar, I asked her what she’d like to drink, hoping she’d reply, “Your semen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to screw a license plate into your ass. It’ll say HNK F HRNY ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
