“If the status quo came carbonated in a can, I’d shake things up.” — Jarod Kintz Status quo Copy Share Image
“A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You’re already older than the last time I saw you, and I just saw you right before I blinked.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I left Mermaid’s Bar and Grill about 2:00 am, and fishtailed out of the parking lot.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket walk into a bar. And I don’t drink, so I wasn’t around to hear the interaction between… — Jarod Kintz Bartender Copy Share Image
“If a clock represented a pie chart, then I just ate a slice of apple pie so large it represents 33 minutes.… — Jarod Kintz Apple pie Copy Share Image
“Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should… — Jarod Kintz Good life Copy Share Image
“Read people by their surroundings, their personally designed environments. Like external body language, a room and how its arranged tells you things… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“Give me a bouncy ball. I’ve got some ideas I want to throw at you. Put on your squeaky shoes—we’ve got work… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Even when we’re old, I’ll still look at you with the same eyes. (Who else’s eyes am I going to look at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I object! To shirts that have circular holes cut out where my nipples are. Even though I cut the circles in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What I lack in courage I more than make up for in underwear. I am possibly the bravest coward to ever go… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite unit of time is the hour, because I collect them and store as many as 10 new and unused ones… — Jarod Kintz Best time Copy Share Image
“If I were a robot, and I got cheated on with a vacuum cleaner, I’d question my cleanliness. I’d also wonder if… — Jarod Kintz Gold digger Copy Share Image
“Everybody who is 100 was at one time 25. But not everybody who is 25 will live to see 100. Likewise, everyone… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I killed a man for his shoes, and then I realized his feet were much smaller than mine. So I walked around… — Jarod Kintz Barefoot Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how… — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
I can provide a witness who didn't see me at the scene of the crime. That witness can also prove they didn't… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Awards represent achievement, and to an extent they show more about who you are as a person than the personal items you… — Jarod Kintz Accomplishment Copy Share Image
“I wrote half this book (the left half) while I was asleep, and I wrote the other half (the top half) while… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I want to move to a ghost town and try to sell the population bodies to dwell in.” — Jarod Kintz Ghost town Copy Share Image
“I know what it means to be alone, especially in a large group of clones.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“If I were to show you pictures of my best friends, they’d all be cats.” — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“He was a vegetable, so trying to change his mind was fruitless.” — Jarod Kintz Fruitless Copy Share Image
“If I could lick the sunset, I’ll bet it would taste like Neapolitan ice cream.” — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“I can’t do my job, if you don’t do yours. I also can’t do my job, so can you do mine too?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I bottled ginger ale, it’d be made from the finest red hair available.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love conducting double blind experiments with unsuspecting peeping Toms.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put my heart in a paper cup, so she’d be more likely to drink it up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“2001 was a great year. It was the first year I declared myself the “Man of the Century.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I sent her a picture of an empty dinner plate, and the text said, Thinking of you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My friend Angela, she’s no angel. But my friend Demonica, she’s aptly named.” — Jarod Kintz Angel Copy Share Image
