“Can I park my horse in the handicapped parking space? It is gimpy and sort of crippled.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish there were a way to see through walls. Oh yeah, there is—windows. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The past screams louder than the future. The future is mute, but it’s not deaf.” — Jarod Kintz Future Copy Share Image
“The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I decorated my ballsack in his honor. I wrote, “Welcome home, dad.” — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“We had a mythical love. Some would say, including her, that it didn’t exist.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With my career I want to either make something or make an impact. Writers both make something, and make an impact.” — Jarod Kintz Career Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to stop a train. Another good thing to use would be brakes. I’ll sell you a set… — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“My cooler is cooler than yours. It’s also chillier. My gyrations are more hip than your swiveling hips. I have the hips… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to announce your intention to announce your intentions. Make sure the blanket is neon orange though, or… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket, no matter how thin, could be sliced thinner, and in this way one blanket could be used to keep a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If it’s been more than 24 hours, you call the cops and I’ll buy the flowers. I’ll meet you at church, first… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“If I only had five minutes left to live, I’d only be half as alarmed as normal, because my watch is five… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Somebody knocked, and I’m glad it wasn’t her. I mean I want her to come, but I thought it was him, so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like when wind works. But in this depression, does anything work? If it’s not unemployed, it’s broken. When I hear the… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“I waste more time trying to save time than I would if I were merely inefficient. One woman told me I make… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“However unfortunate you may feel, there are always those less fortunate than you. I’m not talking about the homeless—I’m talking about your… — Jarod Kintz Less fortunate Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to promote social progress. If we could amass enough bricks to build a prison big enough to cage… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I put on a black scuba suit and go walking on the beach, to relax. If I could, I’d sleep in… — Jarod Kintz East coast Copy Share Image
“My mom is all about risk vs. reward. So for example, if I were to go out on a date and have… — Jarod Kintz Risk Copy Share Image
“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, only it’ll ruin your life faster.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The Nile crashed in the Amazon while being piloted by Miss Ississippi.” — Jarod Kintz Nile Copy Share Image
“I just peed in the sink. Why? Because there was already somebody in the bathtub.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you can listen to or read anything, but misspelled words offend you, raise your hadn.” — Jarod Kintz Misspelled Copy Share Image
“Guns don’t kill people. Politicians with sharp tongues do.” — Jarod Kintz Amendment Copy Share Image
“My book is awful,” I said. “Nonsense,” Dora J. Arod said. “Your book is nonsense.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Don’t rub noses with a shark. It may be the last dental appointment you ever have.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pick a number between one to ten. Now, pick the number that you think I picked you to pick. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put the “cat” in category. And not only do I put it there, but I pet it too.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a banana, and I keep it in my pocket on cold days to warm up my hand.” — Jarod Kintz Cold days Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket represent two lovers who can never be together. I simply forbid it! ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
