“I once got stabbed with a lightning bolt. True story. (No it isn’t).” — Jarod Kintz Lightning Copy Share Image
“It’s not hush money. It’s simply dollars backed not by faith, but by shhh.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I’m typing at my keyboard, I often feel like Mozart. Can somebody scratch my Bach? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the spirit of slumber parties, I want to have a sleepover and invite only narcoleptics.” — Jarod Kintz Religion Copy Share Image
“I had a hand in getting my clone employment. I gave him a handjob.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I’d rather make love to a robot than a politician, because it’d be more personable. Anyway, talking vacuum cleaners with flesh and… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“People love to love, but I love to sleep, and that is why cats are closer to God than bricks are to… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“My wife told me she’d meet me at the mall, and I said, “Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I was looking for a reassuring hand to hold and steady my own, and I finally found it on the other side… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My workout partner is a cat. We nap together. He spots me a place, and keeps it warm, and then as soon… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One to five, I’m not sure how most people would rate me. But I’m certainly top four to anyone who doesn’t have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had dried jizz on my pants, so I took it to my dry cleaners. My pants got clean, but it must… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed in the trunk of a car manufacturer’s competitor, to increase the odds of decreasing their fuel efficiency. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to control whole populations of people. Just get a good looking person, like a news anchor, to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went through and underlined all the funny lines in his book, and by the time I was done, I had underlined… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Words failed me at the precise moment I thought I was passing my vocabulary test, and I can’t tell you how that… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“They call alcohol spirits, because it’s the spirit turned liquid. Would you drink my soul if you knew I’d use it to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After the first meal with a new girlfriend’s family, I always like to say, “Will you folks excuse me, I have to… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a rating system I apply to all people. Mao Zedong might have a Meow Factor of four, but I like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like—hey, what is that in the sky? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Money’s a tool, like a wrench, and until I make more I need to tighten my belt.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Being buried alive in a cemetery would put me in grave danger.” — Jarod Kintz Danger Copy Share Image
“My stomach’s upset. I must have accidentally said something to insult it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You may not have said anything, but you’re right—silence is the best response.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When someone asks, Dogs or cats? I usually say, For what, dinner?” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“I didn’t go to the water park because it was raining, and I didn’t want to get wet.” — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“This world is nothing more than fresh white underwear, and I’m going to leave my mark on it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I tell people she’s a pile of apples, and that I can’t wait to get in cider.” — Jarod Kintz Apples Copy Share Image
