“A brick, in the hands of a Mason, could be used to cover up and hide a secret handshake. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We all make mistakes. Some just manufacture them in a factory and sell them to the public.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“College is a scam. Why go into debt to get no job when you could be unemployed for FREE?” — Jarod Kintz Career Copy Share Image
“I called the cops to see if I had a rap sheet. I do, and it rhymes.” — Jarod Kintz Rapper Copy Share Image
“Who inspires me to write? My clone. I just want him to appreciate me as a person.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I carry a shower curtain folded up neatly in my wallet, because you never know when you’ll never know.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went to visit my dad. He didn’t say a word to me. Or if he did, I couldn’t hear it through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pigs might make great pets, but they make better breakfast. I’ll take one big snuggle, with a side of scrambled eggs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“No matter how bad things get, just keep looking up. Just keep looking up her skirt. Or his kilt.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Knowing he’s easily offended, I offered him earplugs, rather than curbing my vulgarity. Who said I don’t love my fellow man?” — Jarod Kintz Easily offended Copy Share Image
“My writing, it’s all I have. Well, aside from my health. And shelter, food, and clothing. Oh, and my cat.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Love, I wrote the book on it. Unfortunately, nobody would publish it, so I felt compelled to burn my manuscript.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“There is nothing more romantic than candles and flowers, except candles that smell like flowers and flowers that can be burned, as… — Jarod Kintz Candles Copy Share Image
“I’d prefer going on a date with 10 women at once. Not only might I get a bulk discount at the restaurant,… — Jarod Kintz Interview Copy Share Image
“When Jed comes in and gives you that look where his forehead wrinkles up and his chin drops so low that his… — Jarod Kintz Winter Copy Share Image
“Most people don’t know where money comes from. Even most of our elected officials don’t know. If you were to ask a… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I didn’t have time to grow out a mustache, so I wore a squirrel to the party. Women looked at me like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Planning is worrying, only in a productive, proactive form. Worry has to be a large element of planning, or else how could… — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“She works in the corporate business center, and I work in a satellite location. She calls it the “moon,” while I call… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent the state of Kansas. Both are flat, both are rectangular, both have tried to insert… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I keep my valuable things locked up. Everybody does. Therefore, criminals must be valuable.” — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to soften resistance. Smash the opposition into a pulp! ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up — Jarod Kintz Eating Copy Share Image
“My name is Meow. At least that’s what my cat calls me. But you can call me after nine.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pizza is circular. So is an hour. I’ll take two slices—to go.” — Jarod Kintz Circular Copy Share Image
“I just baked a cake in the shape of a door. Somebody’s knocking now, so let me get that.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“More Americans died in WWII than in any other world war, with the possible exception of WWI.” — Jarod Kintz World war Copy Share Image
“I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I carry a concealed weapon—high cholesterol. It’s deadly. ” — Jarod Kintz Amendment Copy Share Image
“As a person, I have to claim my persona as my own. If I don’t, my clone will do it for me.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to change the channel on a TV. Or at least turn it off—permanently. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
