“A blowjob is the only employment I can get. At least in a bathroom stall.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I keep my love in the fridge, next to my meat, because you simply can’t beat it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“North, south, east, west, I need to find a nude erection to point the way.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People come and people go, but only a magical person can come and go at the same time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll trade you one dollar for five dollars. What, is my money no good here?” — Jarod Kintz Dollars Copy Share Image
“I’m very proud of my body of work. You should see it naked sometime.” — Jarod Kintz Body work Copy Share Image
“If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, don’t knock it. ” — Jarod Kintz Salesman Copy Share Image
“The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used for anti-population-control purposes. Get naked and get under the blanket and I’ll show you how it works. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while tinkling. If you think that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to… — Jarod Kintz Cybersecurity Copy Share Image
“I’m not selfish. I’d gladly give someone’s life, a more valuable life than my own, while I humbly preserve and keep my… — Jarod Kintz Valuable life Copy Share Image
“If I run for office, my political platform will be made of wood, and it’ll be made by the people.” — Jarod Kintz Political Copy Share Image
“The moon is an orbital albino, and it gets tons of sunlight, so I propose Operation Sunscreen, where astronauts coat the surface… — Jarod Kintz Space Copy Share Image
“Republicans don’t stand for the beliefs of the right, and Democrats don’t stand for the principles of the left. They each stand… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“In 50 years, I’m going to tell my grandchildren, “Back when I was growing up we didn’t have teleportation devices. We actually… — Jarod Kintz Grandchildren Copy Share Image
“A smile, a smirk, and a wink walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them what they’ll have to drink, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks, bricks, and bricks could be given away at the Olympics, instead of gold, silver, and bronze medals. If all a champion… — Jarod Kintz Bronze medal Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a PRA, or Person Replacement Apparatus. Just give the brick a name, start talking to it,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Conventional wisdom holds that water is liquid at room temperature. Well, not if that room’s temperature is 32 degrees. That also happens… — Jarod Kintz Conventional wisdom Copy Share Image
“I’ll tell you about love on one condition: that you give it to me unconditionally.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m trying to overcome my OCD by replacing my neurosis with three other letters.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I go on a drive, I like to listen to “Drive,” by The Cars.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I took a nap and used a napkin as a blanket. Obviously it was a small nap. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I murdered all my staff. I’m terribly sorry. I thought they were someone else (my wife).” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have three step brothers and one step sister. It’s like a staircase, and I am the slinky.” — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“The water trapped in my window makes it like an aquarium—which makes me the fish.” — Jarod Kintz Aquarium Copy Share Image
“I always misspell the word “unique,” just to keep it youneeq.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I like to feel like just one of the guys. Especially when I hang out with the girls.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Charity can be a good thing. But the only cause I’ll support is because. Don’t ask me why.” — Jarod Kintz Charity Copy Share Image
“The only place I didn’t sweep was under her dress. But that’s what the dishwasher is for.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Spain is 4/5ths pain and 1/5th S. I drank that fifth, and I loved S.” — Jarod Kintz Wine Copy Share Image
“I keep my fears chained up in the basement, along with a few of my foes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Together kabobs make the world better than all the Bobs combined.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
