“I went to the priest for confession, but he didn’t do it.” — Jarod Kintz Confession Copy Share Image
“Ever since I was fired for sleeping on the job I’ve worn a shirt and tie to bed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I keep my socks in a filing cabinet, if that tells you what kind of lover I am.” — Jarod Kintz Filing cabinet Copy Share Image
“I’ll grab my crotch at you. It’s a greeting, like hello, only more provocative and inviting.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After a good run, my legs feel like Jell-O. Somebody get me a spoon and stick a fork in me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be dropped in a toilet to replicate the sound of shitting bricks. But we wouldn’t have to go through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll buy you a dress at half price, and hopefully half as much cloth was used and it’s twice as short as… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“On a scale of 1-10, fish have them. Scales—fish have scales, and I have 10 of them. Fish—I have 10, and I… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed, or I have to tie them up… — Jarod Kintz Atlantic ocean Copy Share Image
“So I just got a call from the hotel, and they want me to start work tomorrow. I’m excited to have a… — Jarod Kintz Art work Copy Share Image
“The cute girl at the bar asked for my number. I told her I’m number one. Then I gave her the area… — Jarod Kintz Programming Copy Share Image
“It takes a lot of commitment to sit on a committee. Only the most courageous could boldly command all that power, yet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When you perform too well, you get punished by winning. This feeling is transitory, and after the celebration is over, all you… — Jarod Kintz Celebration Copy Share Image
“I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t be jealous if I spend 50% of my time with you, and 50% of my time with others, because you get… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Fish like shiny things, stupid people like shiny things, and the late Nebular Romular Ichibar IV liked shiny things. He burned to… — Jarod Kintz Astronomy Copy Share Image
“I’m acquiring handshakes left and right. I collect introductions, and the best place to procure them is at chamber of commerce networking… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Receiving trophies is all about getting recognized. Wearing big sunglasses and a fake mustache is about not being recognized. Why not wearable… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“While I appear to be happy and giggling, rest assured that inside I am sad. And angry. Like that one time—Feb 14,… — Jarod Kintz Happiness Copy Share Image
“I work for a mom and pop business. They’re my mom and pop, and by work I mean they give me an… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I saw her at the party last Saturday. I could tell by her body language that she wanted me. She was wearing… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“I’m not gentlemanly. When I’m gentle, I’m not manly, and when I’m manly, I’m not gentle.” — Jarod Kintz Gentlemanly Copy Share Image
“I water my driveway, and I drive a hard bargain to work (it gets great gas mileage).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have as much style as a turnstile. Thrust your hips into me.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“We didn’t know each other, but that didn’t stop me from ignoring him.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I work as a husband, but I’m also trying to get employment as a neighbor. Sugar anyone?” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“A meow’s a sound I want to look at. And after I see it, I want to pet it.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I got fleeced once, by a sweater—a fleece, if you will. And won’t you? Please do.” — Jarod Kintz Fleece Copy Share Image
“With that shirt you have on, you remind me of what you look like with no shirt on.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce.” — Jarod Kintz Farmer Copy Share Image
“Dinner is served. It’s chicken lo mein. Oh and by the way, your cat is missing.” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“My coffee cup didn’t come with a sleeve, but that’s OK, because I’m wearing a tank top.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
