“Too much much is a dangerous thing. But not as dangerous as danger itself.” — Jarod Kintz Danger Copy Share Image
“I blink like a blanket. I’m not asleep—this extended motionlessness is how I make love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She asked for soup, and I served her cereal. Our love was in the breakfast stage.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When you’re a cartographer, having to make maps sort of comes with the territory.” — Jarod Kintz Geography Copy Share Image
“Courage is a commodity I sell in times of peace. But then my father was a chicken farmer.” — Jarod Kintz Courage Copy Share Image
“I am a love factory. I make love out of high quality plastics at an affordable price.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to tell you exactly what I mean, at precisely the moment I don’t mean it. When I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already… — Jarod Kintz Booze Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping… — Jarod Kintz Dagger Copy Share Image
“Your face influences your life, because it effects how people treat you. Sometimes you don’t have to be king to be treated… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We were wearing diapers at the same time. We didn’t grow up together, however. I was in the crib, and she was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A pen is like a switchblade you can actually write with—and pull off a successful mugging with.” — Jarod Kintz Sword Copy Share Image
“Instead of making trash cans cylinder shaped, they should make the mold look more like a person, to help with that ever… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If one unlabeled bottle holds nonfat milk, what does the second unlabeled bottle contain? If you answered “Whole milk” then you’re obviously… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At first, the drudgery of mastering your craft is a prison—boring, slow, and with an awareness of how much time you’ll have… — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a blanket, and a blanket could be used as a brick, but not very well and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to teach geography to a sleeping man. Better do it quick, before he wakes up and finds… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a response when the cops ask you if you murdered your mother-in-law. Forget yes or no.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am prophetic. I predicted it would snow tomorrow yesterday, and sure enough today it snowed. True, I’ve been saying it will… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think? — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I left my youth behind me. It peddled the bicycle while I rode on the handlebars.” — Jarod Kintz Bicycle Copy Share Image
“People don’t know I have a checkered past. I used to be a picnic table cloth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw a hermaphrodite changing, so out of respect, I turned halfway around.” — Jarod Kintz Hermaphrodite Copy Share Image
“Love smells like a flower in bloom. A flower that's sitting on a pile of steaming feces.” — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“When we communicate, everybody wins. Especially the NSA.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Me and my wife are happy. At least when we are not together.” — Jarod Kintz Happiness Copy Share Image
“It seems that in love, I have no match. It also seems that with firewood, I have no match.” — Jarod Kintz Firewood Copy Share Image
“I’d punch a guy that likes a girl 16 years younger. Especially if that guy was 18 years old.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“If I had nostrils on my index fingers, I wonder what the inside of my nose would smell like?” — Jarod Kintz Nostrils Copy Share Image
“When you said you were ugly it was the most untrue thing you’ve ever said. Well, it’s true!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t let your inability to see get in the way of your vision.” — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
