“The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.” — Jarod Kintz Fasting Copy Share Image
“My hero’s hero is not necessarily my hero, unless my clone’s hero is my clone’s clone.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.” — Jarod Kintz Alibi Copy Share Image
“I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%.” — Jarod Kintz Relationship Copy Share Image
“I sleep in a hyperbolic chamber as spacious as the chamber of commerce. That was hyperbole.” — Jarod Kintz Chamber of commerce Copy Share Image
“I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I may not be able to remember your name, but I remember your address and what time you leave in the mornings.… — Jarod Kintz Morning Copy Share Image
“Our relationship is like ten turtles marching along, followed by seven beetles, with each carrying one monosyllabic word on its back. You… — Jarod Kintz Haiku Copy Share Image
“Hair grows out of moles, and for this reason I wish I had a row of moles above my upper lip. It’d… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“Be true to who you are as a person. Or, if you’re a politician, be true to who you are as an… — Jarod Kintz Animals Copy Share Image
“I’m tired, and I just want to take a nap. But I want some good sleep, so does anybody know where I… — Jarod Kintz Political speech Copy Share Image
“I am an octopus on four wheels. What are my four free arms for? To better love you, of course.” — Jarod Kintz Octopus Copy Share Image
“The best part about being a waiter is all that waiting. Use that time wisely. Try making it as an actor.” — Jarod Kintz Actor Copy Share Image
“When I think about my clone, random songs pop into my head. Songs like, “Happy Birthday.” Will he celebrate the same birthday… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“My birthday is coming up. I was born on March 5th, 1982. Humans have come a long way since then—nearly 30 years,… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“As we were walking home the other night, Orafoura turned to me and said, “Were you aware that there are places in… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A brick is used to label a missed shot in basketball. However, a better term to call a missed shot, or any… — Jarod Kintz Basketball Copy Share Image
“When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I collect the most valuable thing in the world—free time. But unlike other priceless things, I don’t need a safe to keep… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every man has a soul, but will every man’s clone have a soul? No, because me and some scientists will have sucked… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. Our relationship faded from red to white, and somewhere in the middle, in the pink zone,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am cursed. Everybody around me dies. It just might take a hundred years for them to do so.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hung a large pizza over my window, because it was more delicious than curtains.” — Jarod Kintz Pizza Copy Share Image
“At the bar, I asked her what she’d like to drink, hoping she’d reply, “Your semen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to screw a license plate into your ass. It’ll say HNK F HRNY ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I think about all the thinking I’ve done, I get sleepy, like a coffee-colored bear.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the epicenter of Epcot Center you’ll find me hiding, 333 miles away.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked my doctor for the best gift ever: Life. Still, he wouldn’t take one for me.” — Jarod Kintz Best gift Copy Share Image
“I just took a shit that smelled like a dentist’s office. Open your mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
