“Life’s like brown sugar sprinkled on shit. Sure it tastes great, if you don’t mind the smell.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.” — Jarod Kintz Argument Copy Share Image
“50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many supermodels can you fit in a toothpick canister? I don’t know, but I prefer floss.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.” — Jarod Kintz Meteorologist Copy Share Image
“I’ve got better things to think about than thoughtlessness.” — Jarod Kintz Better things Copy Share Image
“I have slightly less than 60 miles to go, and I’m going slightly faster than 60 miles per hour. I should arrive… — Jarod Kintz Bad mood Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“Here’s a list of three character qualities women should look for in a guy, in descending order: Looks like me, thinks like… — Jarod Kintz Character Copy Share Image
“I never understood the term “Ass hat.” Not until I misplaced my Fedora, and decided to cover up my disheveled hair with… — Jarod Kintz Fedora Copy Share Image
“For me, a website would be user friendly if it gave me a handjob. It’d be doubly impressive if it were also… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I had a great view of the sunset. At least until father went and changed the channel. Dammit, dad!” — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“You can’t become a famous garage band if you never perform outside your garage. That’s why my band plays in my driveway.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People always see me writing and ask me if they can read my writing. The answer is yes, after I publish it… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent no, and a blanket could be used to represent yes. If I ask you, “Will… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Losing a child must be the second most painful thing ever. The most painful thing would be to lose the child, find… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I’d give up three days just to get three hours with the woman I love. Of course this instinct is the reason… — Jarod Kintz Investing Copy Share Image
“I tell people my name is “The Weather,” and that I understand how they don’t have anything else to talk about besides… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My amazing feat features shoes (and feet)—it’s how far I’d walk for love. Guess how far? However far it is from the… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“You have to slow down with this woman, because the moment she slows down and stops, she’ll die. She’s like a shark.”… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Sometimes when I read before bed I get so tired that my eyes gloss over the sentences without actually taking in any… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year… — Jarod Kintz Federal reserve Copy Share Image
“I like horse farms. I like the idea of animals growing on trees.” — Jarod Kintz Animals Copy Share Image
“The boxer had two black eyes. But that’s to be expected, since he was from Africa.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If frogs tasted like chicken, I’d gladly jump in the frying pan. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your penis is a whistle. My penis is a flute. And I’ve got a tromboner for your girl.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are whiskers in my soup, and my spoon smells like my cat’s ass.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My name is Dawn. It’s not a female name. I am Sunset’s brother.” — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.” — Jarod Kintz Drought Copy Share Image
“I want to weigh less, not through diet and exercise, but by acquiring a faulty scale.” — Jarod Kintz Diet and exercise Copy Share Image
“His thin accusation hung thick in the air like fog smoking a cigarette.” — Jarod Kintz Accusation Copy Share Image
