“If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.” — Jarod Kintz Boogers Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve gone astray. It’s better to cook with a stray than eat your own cat.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s a real pleasure accepting an award—for someone else. Especially if they are my clone.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t believe she was half dressed. How dare she only be half naked in my presence.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Tennis is a racket that I’d like to get into. It’s so bouncy and noisy it must be profitable.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is slow, when it’s lying on the floor. But fast when just thrown. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I smell small, my nose gets clogged up. Think what would happen if I whiffed medium or large.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The earth has lots of love to give, if you just know where to dig. My advice is start in the cemetery.” — Jarod Kintz Cemetery Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“There is nothing right about the triangle known as Bermuda. The only thing right is the knowledge you’ll be left behind if… — Jarod Kintz Bermuda Copy Share Image
“We were getting a divorce. But not from each other. Then we were going to get married. But not to each other.” — Jarod Kintz Divorce Copy Share Image
“The prospective buyer said, “Name your price.” So I replied, “OK, how about Ralph Isaac Papov?” — Jarod Kintz Buyer Copy Share Image
“Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because they don’t even want firsts. But it tastes great. I tasted… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent the state of Kansas. Both are flat, both are rectangular, both have tried to insert… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She works in the corporate business center, and I work in a satellite location. She calls it the “moon,” while I call… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I’m hypoglycemic and squeamish and liable to pass out at the first sign of blood. That happened this morning. I came into… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I met a man named Birthday. I didn’t tell him when I was born, because I thought that that one day in… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to promote social progress. If we could amass enough bricks to build a prison big enough to cage… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My mom is all about risk vs. reward. So for example, if I were to go out on a date and have… — Jarod Kintz Risk Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I put on a black scuba suit and go walking on the beach, to relax. If I could, I’d sleep in… — Jarod Kintz East coast Copy Share Image
“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is a banana. No it isn’t. Still, I think you should eat it anyway. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Anal Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to wipe your ass with. You know, if you already live someplace shitty. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An exercise in unknowing is not the same as not knowing or forgetting.” — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“What’s the point of being the first to arrive? Nobody is there to witness your commitment.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I've eaten cat food before. Of course, the menu listed it as "Chicken Lo Mein.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to schedule dentist appointments for March 32, otherwise known as April Fool’s Day.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are 26 characters in the alphabet, and what characters they are! Especially Q.” — Jarod Kintz Alphabet Copy Share Image
“You can't put a price tag on human life. But if you could, I'd demand coupons for clones.” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“I’m going to go up on my way down. I’m just a sideways sort of person.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
