“I am nine fifteen feet tall. I mean nine fifteen time tall. I measure height with my watch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is an art. Mine could fill a museum the size of your heart.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as wrapping paper, to give the gift of a cat. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a rough marriage. It feels like sandpaper, only not as soft and gentle on the anus.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I take humor very seriously. I also take it three times a day, with meals.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“The baby looks like an infant, he doesn’t look like anybody. He’s barely even a somebody himself.” — Jarod Kintz Baby Copy Share Image
“I can’t see the wind. I can only see the effects of the wind, namely your love always being carried away from… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everybody thinks they’re a prophet. They must, or nobody would get married. Or maybe at a 50% divorce rate, only half the… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“It was a dumb mistake, sleeping with her, and I learned from the experience. Still, I’d gladly make the same mistake tonight… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“Despite being invisible—transparent—honesty is a heavy cloak to wear. Still, a naked lie isn’t as light as a birthday suit. ” — Jarod Kintz Honesty Copy Share Image
“The ultimate dead end is murder. My house is on a dead-end street, and it’s killing me. My house is so small… — Jarod Kintz Dead end Copy Share Image
“My 30th birthday will be arriving in a few months. It’s not arriving unexpectedly, I just wish it would have given me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He has one of the worst personalities. Actually, you can’t call it a personality, since he acts more like an animal than… — Jarod Kintz Personality Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went through and underlined all the funny lines in his book, and by the time I was done, I had underlined… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to control whole populations of people. Just get a good looking person, like a news anchor, to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Words failed me at the precise moment I thought I was passing my vocabulary test, and I can’t tell you how that… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“They call alcohol spirits, because it’s the spirit turned liquid. Would you drink my soul if you knew I’d use it to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After the first meal with a new girlfriend’s family, I always like to say, “Will you folks excuse me, I have to… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Awards represent achievement, and to an extent they show more about who you are as a person than the personal items you… — Jarod Kintz Accomplishment Copy Share Image
“I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasnt hungry, I just wanted to call some plays. — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
“He’s going to give me a piggyback ride home. He’s my designated walker.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a poor worker. The quality of work I do is excellent, but I make no money.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“More Americans died in WWII than in any other world war, with the possible exception of WWI.” — Jarod Kintz World war Copy Share Image
“I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I carry a concealed weapon—high cholesterol. It’s deadly. ” — Jarod Kintz Amendment Copy Share Image
“As a person, I have to claim my persona as my own. If I don’t, my clone will do it for me.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to change the channel on a TV. Or at least turn it off—permanently. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m as thirsty as an elephant penis in the snow. I’m ready to love again.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.” — Jarod Kintz Sixties Copy Share Image
“I don’t like rejection. One jection is enough for me. No need to give it to me again.” — Jarod Kintz Heartbreak Copy Share Image
“I don’t believe in the zodiac. Whenever anybody asks me what my sign is, I always say “Yield.” — Jarod Kintz Astrology Copy Share Image
