“My wife and I will probably have lots of kids. Just not with each other.” — Jarod Kintz Kids Copy Share Image
“I’m older today than yesterday, and therefore I must be more mature.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I eat fog for breakfast, and I shit out steamy love scenes from the 80s.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I made friends with the future. But I’m still friends with the past.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“Personally, I’ve been here since 1982, and I’d say it’s about time for breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I poured a compass into my coffee, to give the flavor some direction.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.” — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“I met a girl I wanted to date, but she was spoken for—by her mouth. That’s the kind of relationship I could… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used for political transparency. After all, what’s more see-through than a brick wall? ” — Jarod Kintz Brick wall Copy Share Image
“I need to work smarter, harder, faster, and longer than you. And if I still don't come out in front, then simply… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“We made eyes at each other, and then we made love. We also made other things too, like meatloaf.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m exercising my right to free speech, because it used to be obese. For years all it did was sit on the… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“A brick could be modified to be a cell phone, for construction workers who miss the easy to find cell phone size… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The most dangerous flower is one that grows on a grave. Everybody in its vicinity is dead. That’s why I hand-picked it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As a thinker, and most writers would consider themselves thinkers, your competition is not only the whole world, but it’s also the… — Jarod Kintz Thinkers Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You took control of my body and forced me to have sex with you. Then you… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I applied for an overnight stocking position at a supermarket, but I didn’t get the job. It probably went to somebody the… — Jarod Kintz Management Copy Share Image
“The glove compartment of my car is empty, but one of these days, I’m going to fill it with an assortment of… — Jarod Kintz Boxing gloves Copy Share Image
“Her boyfriend can’t hold a candle to me. Especially not while I’m holding the strobe light. It’s hard to do modern dancing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A fan can be used as a listening device, pushing sound waves towards your ears, along with cool air. I listen harder… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I like to meet people and pretend I’ll never see them again. I tend to value things more if I think it’s… — Jarod Kintz Every moment Copy Share Image
“On my recent trip to Washington DC, I wore a hat I made out of a tin funnel that I covered with… — Jarod Kintz Idiot Copy Share Image
“Add smoke, not fire. You want to confuse your competition, not kill them.” — Jarod Kintz Fire Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a spoon—to eat, not cuddle. OK fine, you can use it to cuddle too. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I told you I make love like a rainbow, would you be my leprechaun?” — Jarod Kintz Leprechaun Copy Share Image
“For me, it’s not about winning an award. It’s also about not even being nominated.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The code of the coward is to run away. I know, because I wrote the manual.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She likes her wine white, and that’s how I like my clam chowder. So chuggable!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to hold you back. That’s what the chains affixed to the wall are for.” — Jarod Kintz Chains Copy Share Image
“He said that he said it—a second he, not a man named He. And not He-Man either.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to be the mayor of a small town. A small town I populated entirely with my seed.” — Jarod Kintz Mayor Copy Share Image
“I want a camera shaped like a jail, so I can capture a ghost on film.” — Jarod Kintz Cinema Copy Share Image
“My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
