“I haven't met many lawyers that I didn't like. But then again, I haven't met many lawyers.” — Jarod Kintz Lawyers Copy Share Image
“I want to be my own wedding singer at my own wedding. But first I’ll have to audition.” — Jarod Kintz Audition Copy Share Image
“Price per man has shot up, because so many men were shot up that we need many more men.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love the smell of cleanliness. That’s what the inside of my nostrils smell like, naturally.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“Birthdays, like women named Bertha, are not named after great Aunt Natalie. But you, Natalie, just might be. I’m named after my… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“In high school, I was convinced I had super powers. Well, just one really. I was sure I had the gift of… — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your… — Jarod Kintz Body weight Copy Share Image
“Trying to resist my love is like trying to hold back a tsunami with a surfboard. My advice is to take up… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My shadow’s so substantial that it has its own shadow. It isn’t as tall, but that’s OK, because sometimes it feels like… — Jarod Kintz Shadow Copy Share Image
“I celebrate my birthday in ways not seen this side of the Old Testament. I celebrate my life like the Dead Sea,… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Most people fight with their fists. But I fight with my legs. I fight to stay, but they fight to run. Luckily… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made art out of all the phone numbers on napkins I’ve had over the years. So it was just one napkin,… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“If I had all the money in the world, I’d love seeing my name on billboards, buildings, and battleships. The only thing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I’m homeless and pushing a shopping cart filled with all my worldly possessions, don’t be surprised to see me stopped behind… — Jarod Kintz Homeless Copy Share Image
“The best part about bowling is pouring in the cereal and the milk. I’ve always believed bowlers make better lovers, because of… — Jarod Kintz Bowling Copy Share Image
“An elephant walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you?” The elephant replies, “Sex on the… — Jarod Kintz Elephant Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“If your favorite politician got ran over by a bus, I’d express my condolences by telling you I know how you feel.… — Jarod Kintz Condolences Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to keep your body warm. After all, your body starts cooling off rapidly once you die. But… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I rode my horse to the saloon, but it was out of business. The cowboy I spoke with said the bartender served… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“My list of chores is a little too important to include in my list of life’s goals.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were a number, I’d want to have sextillion with you.” — Jarod Kintz Mathematics Copy Share Image
“You can't put a price tag on human life. But if you could, I'd demand coupons for clones.” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“There are 26 characters in the alphabet, and what characters they are! Especially Q.” — Jarod Kintz Alphabet Copy Share Image
“I’m going to go up on my way down. I’m just a sideways sort of person.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am nine fifteen feet tall. I mean nine fifteen time tall. I measure height with my watch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is an art. Mine could fill a museum the size of your heart.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as wrapping paper, to give the gift of a cat. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a rough marriage. It feels like sandpaper, only not as soft and gentle on the anus.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
