“Who inspires me to write? My clone. I just want him to appreciate me as a person.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“My name is Meow. At least that’s what my cat calls me. But you can call me after nine.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up — Jarod Kintz Eating Copy Share Image
“There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just baked a cake in the shape of a door. Somebody’s knocking now, so let me get that.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pizza is circular. So is an hour. I’ll take two slices—to go.” — Jarod Kintz Circular Copy Share Image
“More Americans died in WWII than in any other world war, with the possible exception of WWI.” — Jarod Kintz World war Copy Share Image
“With four tires on every car in the world, there’s too much rubber. All the Johns should take the condoms off their… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I spent ten years in prison, I’d probably come to value the small things in life. Things like good food, a… — Jarod Kintz Good food Copy Share Image
“The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the… — Jarod Kintz Celebrating Copy Share Image
“I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the… — Jarod Kintz Graveyard Copy Share Image
“As she walked away she said Thank you. “Thank you,” I replied. I don’t think she heard me, because again she said… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to create a new society, a perfect society, where there is no inequality, there are no laws,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t mock my dress. I’ve got a dance recital after work. You’re invited—but it’s bring your own erection. You can’t borrow mine,… — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My cat has long hair. Like a hippy. It gets annoying because I can’t get him to shut up about Vietnam. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People ask me all the time, “Jarod, how come you are so much more romantic than anybody else?” And I say, “Simple.… — Jarod Kintz Courage Copy Share Image
“I loved all the words in his book—just not in the order he arranged them, or the frequency with which he used… — Jarod Kintz Words Copy Share Image
“Hugh Hue is colorblind. Or maybe he isn’t, and that’s not his name at all. Maybe his name is Mr. Green, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If laughter came in paste format you could squeeze out of a tube, I’ll bet nine out of ten dentists would recommend… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“When I was in the second grade, I used to think love was the feeling a man gets while riding a motorcycle… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Something can be humorous without being funny. The difference is when it’s humorous, a person says, “That’s funny,” and when it’s funny,… — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I… — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As a person, I have to claim my persona as my own. If I don’t, my clone will do it for me.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I carry a concealed weapon—high cholesterol. It’s deadly. ” — Jarod Kintz Amendment Copy Share Image
“I’m as thirsty as an elephant penis in the snow. I’m ready to love again.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to change the channel on a TV. Or at least turn it off—permanently. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.” — Jarod Kintz Sixties Copy Share Image
“I don’t believe in the zodiac. Whenever anybody asks me what my sign is, I always say “Yield.” — Jarod Kintz Astrology Copy Share Image
“I fight with the strength of many lion meows. I love even more ferociously.” — Jarod Kintz Strength Copy Share Image
“I don’t like rejection. One jection is enough for me. No need to give it to me again.” — Jarod Kintz Heartbreak Copy Share Image
“Loneliness is the unloneliest feeling in the world, as everyone has experienced it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Make your vote count. Be the guy responsible for counting and tallying all the votes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a bedroom rug that I feed. It’s not very flat, and it meows when I step on it.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
