“I wish trash were treasure, because then I’d be a garbage collector and king.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t rub noses with a shark. It may be the last dental appointment you ever have.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put the “cat” in category. And not only do I put it there, but I pet it too.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pick a number between one to ten. Now, pick the number that you think I picked you to pick. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a banana, and I keep it in my pocket on cold days to warm up my hand.” — Jarod Kintz Cold days Copy Share Image
“She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla… — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“If I had a choice between walking along a sidewalk with no rails and a thousand foot drop, or jumping in a… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to raise my spirits. I’m feeling low right now, low by about three inches. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m wearing shoes made of sea foam, and I am here to seduce the elderly. If you brought the geriatrics, then I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket could be combined to create a blink. And a half a blink, as we all know, is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already there, hitting on another guy.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn't imagine being on the bottom.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to do anything I have to do, even if I want to do it. Compulsion takes the fun out… — Jarod Kintz Compulsion Copy Share Image
“Blanket could be used to form a new word—tenkalb—which in turn could be used, or not used at all. But that’s not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I told you that my global audience has shot up 100% in the last six months, what would you say? If… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“My closet’s so full of memories and fearful homosexuals that I have nowhere to hang my clothes. Well, that and I don’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a cape, when I’m practicing my anti-superhero drills in Grandmother’s basement and defying her wishes to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a gorgeous woman hits on me right off the bat, I’m suspicious. I wonder what she wants. If she hasn’t heard… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent my hero. My hero obviously doesn’t look like a brick, but since he is my… — Jarod Kintz Hero Copy Share Image
“I’m quoting my clone, because he quoted me thinking if I said it, he said it. He thought he was quoting himself… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to steal somebody’s shoes while they are wearing them and not have them notice. But that’s what politicians have done… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket represent two lovers who can never be together. I simply forbid it! ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once got stabbed with a lightning bolt. True story. (No it isn’t).” — Jarod Kintz Lightning Copy Share Image
“It’s not hush money. It’s simply dollars backed not by faith, but by shhh.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I’m typing at my keyboard, I often feel like Mozart. Can somebody scratch my Bach? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a hand in getting my clone employment. I gave him a handjob.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“In the spirit of slumber parties, I want to have a sleepover and invite only narcoleptics.” — Jarod Kintz Religion Copy Share Image
“Money’s a tool, like a wrench, and until I make more I need to tighten my belt.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Being buried alive in a cemetery would put me in grave danger.” — Jarod Kintz Danger Copy Share Image
