“2001 was a great year. It was the first year I declared myself the “Man of the Century.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I sent her a picture of an empty dinner plate, and the text said, Thinking of you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Can I park my horse in the handicapped parking space? It is gimpy and sort of crippled.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My friend Angela, she’s no angel. But my friend Demonica, she’s aptly named.” — Jarod Kintz Angel Copy Share Image
“I wish there were a way to see through walls. Oh yeah, there is—windows. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The past screams louder than the future. The future is mute, but it’s not deaf.” — Jarod Kintz Future Copy Share Image
“What I thought was a black hole turned out to be nothing more than a splatter of ink on my tie. And… — Jarod Kintz Black hole Copy Share Image
If you work in a hospital, you cant easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you're sick? Well why dont you… — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“I’m a felon, though I haven’t been arrested for it. I’m guilty of stealing large quantities of love.” — Jarod Kintz Felon Copy Share Image
“Escalators are the offspring of elevators and stairs. Love is the progeny of passion and admiration.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I only need to write about 3,000 one-liners a day to produce a million jokes a year. Simple. I’ll just get started… — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“The months roll by like wheels on a wheelchair. Pretty soon it’ll be July. Feels like just last month it was May.” — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“When love dissipates, it’s like dancing with daisies at midnight, and you don’t get easy at it when you’re deceased. And make… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“My balls dangle so low that I need a rake to scratch them. It also comes in handy when raking up all… — Jarod Kintz Rake Copy Share Image
“If you give me a gift, it’d be insulting to pay you, because I’d be denying you the gift of giving. So… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“What is life without death? That's like asking what is peanut butter without jelly? Or a baseball game on TV and changing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about… — Jarod Kintz Climate Copy Share Image
“I laced up my sneakers, but not with the intention to sneak around. I was just going to skulk for a bit,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In middle school I used to draw letters of the alphabet out of contorted torsos, bodies, arms, legs. A rigid torso with… — Jarod Kintz Alphabet Copy Share Image
“I love in all directions, except southeast. Don’t ask me why, because I already told you where. Also, don’t ask me who,… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“How many ways can I say “I love you”? I could say it in another language, like French. I could say it… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“I’m like a ventriloquist chasing his own voice. I can whisper and shout at the same time, and this is the closest… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We had a mythical love. Some would say, including her, that it didn’t exist.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I decorated my ballsack in his honor. I wrote, “Welcome home, dad.” — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, only it’ll ruin your life faster.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The Nile crashed in the Amazon while being piloted by Miss Ississippi.” — Jarod Kintz Nile Copy Share Image
“I just peed in the sink. Why? Because there was already somebody in the bathtub.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My book is awful,” I said. “Nonsense,” Dora J. Arod said. “Your book is nonsense.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“If you can listen to or read anything, but misspelled words offend you, raise your hadn.” — Jarod Kintz Misspelled Copy Share Image
“Guns don’t kill people. Politicians with sharp tongues do.” — Jarod Kintz Amendment Copy Share Image
“Boil your drinking water, and drink the water surrounding you in your bathtub.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have failed, and I should bury my failure. I need a trowel (it was a small failure).” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“You don’t have the shadow volume to sit next to me in the sunshine of truth.” — Jarod Kintz Light Copy Share Image
“I try not to sell myself short, unless I’m giving myself a great price on the stuff.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw you see me like a seesaw, and I knew you were the one to be number two.” — Jarod Kintz Seesaw Copy Share Image
