“Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like—hey, what is that in the sky? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You may not have said anything, but you’re right—silence is the best response.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My stomach’s upset. I must have accidentally said something to insult it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When someone asks, Dogs or cats? I usually say, For what, dinner?” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t go to the water park because it was raining, and I didn’t want to get wet.” — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I park my car in the parking spot right next to the parking spot my bed is in, just in case I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse?” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“My grandpa passed a few days ago. But I’m not sad. He was only driving 20 miles an hour, so I’m sure… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just like trying to ice skate on two sticks of butter in the desert, my love for her melted and was no… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“For the time being I’ll be a being in time. And when I die, I’ll happily be compost for a greener world.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is like one of those wooden Russian nesting dolls (matryoshka doll). I know, because your heart fits perfectly inside mine. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want a piece of apple pie so large I could wedge a For Sale sign in it and make all the… — Jarod Kintz Apple pie Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to symbolize my fear. You may snicker and call me an irrational coward, but many people are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He told me he had a wife and daughter, and then he showed me a picture of an 8-year-old girl, to which… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“A brick could be employed to stop global warming, by using it to clog up the world’s smallest volcano. I would use… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My hand inside a glove is like a painting in a frame, and should be insured as such. The things my hand… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I spent about eight hours deep in thought over whether to get divorced. That may seem like a long time to ponder… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Make yourself interesting to history. Master some aspect of life, and then find a different area and do something crazy. Become a… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically.… — Jarod Kintz Ballot Copy Share Image
“This world is nothing more than fresh white underwear, and I’m going to leave my mark on it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I tell people she’s a pile of apples, and that I can’t wait to get in cider.” — Jarod Kintz Apples Copy Share Image
“I want to move to a ghost town and try to sell the population bodies to dwell in.” — Jarod Kintz Ghost town Copy Share Image
“I know what it means to be alone, especially in a large group of clones.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“If I were to show you pictures of my best friends, they’d all be cats.” — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“If I could lick the sunset, I’ll bet it would taste like Neapolitan ice cream.” — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“He was a vegetable, so trying to change his mind was fruitless.” — Jarod Kintz Fruitless Copy Share Image
“I can’t do my job, if you don’t do yours. I also can’t do my job, so can you do mine too?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I bottled ginger ale, it’d be made from the finest red hair available.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love conducting double blind experiments with unsuspecting peeping Toms.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put my heart in a paper cup, so she’d be more likely to drink it up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
