“I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.” — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.” — Jarod Kintz Fasting Copy Share Image
“My hero’s hero is not necessarily my hero, unless my clone’s hero is my clone’s clone.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%.” — Jarod Kintz Relationship Copy Share Image
“Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Chopsticks Copy Share Image
“I make love like I ride my two-seater unicycle—slowly. If you feel unstable, you can hang on to my handlebar mustache. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I wrote something for my local newspaper, but nobody read it because it got buried in the obituary section.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They settled out of court. In related news, two fish fought over an aquarium, rather than in the aquarium.” — Jarod Kintz Aquarium Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a middle name. But who’d be dumb enough to do that, when it would clearly make… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“-I have this friend—you don’t know him—but— -Is his name Molloway? -No. -Oh. I don’t know anybody named Molloway, so that’s why… — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“It’s a cliff, and I’ll jump, Don’t call it a bluff, or call my bluff. And don’t call me Cliff.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“I put a saddle on my salad, and I rode my horseradish to Rhode Island, where I was just in time to… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“I don’t like writers whose writing is so obvious that I can predict what he’ll write while I’m still taking in his… — Jarod Kintz Reading Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to eradicate the radical element that’s so pervasive and perverse in our society today. I’m talking about… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket can be wrapped around one’s head and used as a helmet. It’s particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick, with its rigid conformity, could be used as a model for how the government wants its citizens to be treated.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is the color of red inverted. At least that’s what Gunnar Greenlove told me, and I believe him because he’s from… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“People who collect books, and categorize them by Roy G. Biv instead of alphabetically, are displaying the fact that their books aren't… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.” — Jarod Kintz Alibi Copy Share Image
“I sleep in a hyperbolic chamber as spacious as the chamber of commerce. That was hyperbole.” — Jarod Kintz Chamber of commerce Copy Share Image
“I saw a mummy in a movie once, and I’ve got to say I love George Harrison’s style.” — Jarod Kintz Movie Copy Share Image
“I can kick the can down the road, and I can also kick other modal verbs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!” — Jarod Kintz Guns Copy Share Image
“My trash can got stolen five times. Finally the owner just let me have it. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If the status quo came carbonated in a can, I’d shake things up.” — Jarod Kintz Status quo Copy Share Image
