“At the bar, I asked her what she’d like to drink, hoping she’d reply, “Your semen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to screw a license plate into your ass. It’ll say HNK F HRNY ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many supermodels can you fit in a toothpick canister? I don’t know, but I prefer floss.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.” — Jarod Kintz Meteorologist Copy Share Image
“When you’re starving, and all the grocery stores are out of meat, that’s when you’ll be glad you’re a pet owner.” — Jarod Kintz Grocery store Copy Share Image
“I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“When my internal voice goes external, and I’m in a noisy crowd, I can hardly hear myself think.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“I walk like a shriveled hippopotamus, I jog like a giraffe with charcoal knees, and I run like never.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I steal cracker packets. I hoard them. Once my collection is large enough, I’ll take them to the flea market and try… — Jarod Kintz Cracker Copy Share Image
“If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.” — Jarod Kintz Cyanide Copy Share Image
“Once the bar gets set too high, simply lower it so you can keep on hitting your goals. You could get a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being in love is like being lit on fire and having your loved one morph into a marshmallow as she runs to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Most employees are like interchangeable machine parts. When they show up to work, there is no trace of the person they replaced,… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“After dinner I wanted to talk to her about buying a clone. But that’s probably just too much for her to handle,… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“If love tasted like pork, and you were allergic to Francis Bacon, could I be your Shakespeare? We could make love on… — Jarod Kintz Bacon Copy Share Image
“In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I collect collectivisms. I’ve already got socialism and communism, and all I need is fascism to complete the set. I’m looking to… — Jarod Kintz Uncle sam Copy Share Image
“This is what I believe to be the progress of a writer. You write 10 things, of which one of them will… — Jarod Kintz Growth Copy Share Image
“I’ve got better things to think about than thoughtlessness.” — Jarod Kintz Better things Copy Share Image
“I like horse farms. I like the idea of animals growing on trees.” — Jarod Kintz Animals Copy Share Image
“Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The boxer had two black eyes. But that’s to be expected, since he was from Africa.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If frogs tasted like chicken, I’d gladly jump in the frying pan. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your penis is a whistle. My penis is a flute. And I’ve got a tromboner for your girl.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are whiskers in my soup, and my spoon smells like my cat’s ass.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My name is Dawn. It’s not a female name. I am Sunset’s brother.” — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.” — Jarod Kintz Drought Copy Share Image
“His thin accusation hung thick in the air like fog smoking a cigarette.” — Jarod Kintz Accusation Copy Share Image
