“I want to weigh less, not through diet and exercise, but by acquiring a faulty scale.” — Jarod Kintz Diet and exercise Copy Share Image
“Dear Ian, I felt good. I felt like a Christian to the T. Also to the Chris, Ian.” — Jarod Kintz Christian Copy Share Image
“As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon.” — Jarod Kintz Brain Copy Share Image
“From where I live now I can walk to the beach, if I have about three weeks.” — Jarod Kintz Beach Copy Share Image
“After they broke up, Renaldo's ex girlfriend said to never again date an older woman. And he wisely listened to her, because… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“Is the only reason you get out of bed because you can’t sleep anymore? I’m like that sometimes.” — Jarod Kintz Reason Copy Share Image
“Thank God I have enough skin to cover my entire body. But just barely. If my penis were a mere 2.54 centimeters… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The price of gold is up 14 fold since last time I tried unfolding it. And laundry has declined two folds.” — Jarod Kintz Gold Copy Share Image
“I rented a dress, but not an address. That I had to buy, though it made my ass look like two sacks… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary—A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of… — Jarod Kintz Dictionary Copy Share Image
“One thought I think every person eventually thinks is, “Holy shit, I’m going to die!” Sorry, I just turned thirty yesterday, so… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“My rules are as follows: don’t follow, unless there’s a fire. And in that case, follow from the front.” — Jarod Kintz Fire Copy Share Image
“Just because I murdered a man—my boss—doesn’t mean I deserve to be fired. In fact, as I see it and saw it,… — Jarod Kintz Boss Copy Share Image
“Orafoura, The Mythical Mr. Boo, and Love made flesh walk into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What’ll it be, fellas?” Orafoura… — Jarod Kintz Hate and love Copy Share Image
“A guy I grew up with recently died. I attended his funeral, but only because I thought there’d be free food afterwards.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as the perfect response in one particular situation. Next time someone says, “I love you,” say nothing.… — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“At first I was excited to go, because I thought I’d been invited to a net twerking event. Imagine how surprised everyone… — Jarod Kintz Networking Copy Share Image
“If a man is powerful, then his rival must therefore also be powerful. The other’s prestige enhances your own. So choose your… — Jarod Kintz Immaculate conception Copy Share Image
“I walk everywhere wearing orange pants, an orange vest, and a yellow bicycle helmet with a bumper supporting a political candidate I… — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of… — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“In these modern times, the only sensible thing to be is nonsensical.” — Jarod Kintz Modern times Copy Share Image
“The chimes were clinging in the wind. Or were they clanging, and clinging to hope?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I wanted to eat leftovers, I wouldn’t have taken a dump in the Tupperware.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The key to getting a discount is timing. Always negotiate on price before you pay.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm not afraid of death, I'm just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life’s like brown sugar sprinkled on shit. Sure it tastes great, if you don’t mind the smell.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.” — Jarod Kintz Argument Copy Share Image
“50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I bought a zoo, which is funny, because I own the very place that should own me.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“A bad reputation will dog you for years. A good reputation will cat you. ” — Jarod Kintz Bad reputation Copy Share Image
“If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Learn body language so you can not only speak it, but misspeak it too.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“She was a pretty good lover. Too bad she wasn’t pretty and good.” — Jarod Kintz Lover Copy Share Image
