“You’re already older than the last time I saw you, and I just saw you right before I blinked.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I left Mermaid’s Bar and Grill about 2:00 am, and fishtailed out of the parking lot.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I think about all the thinking I’ve done, I get sleepy, like a coffee-colored bear.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the epicenter of Epcot Center you’ll find me hiding, 333 miles away.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked my doctor for the best gift ever: Life. Still, he wouldn’t take one for me.” — Jarod Kintz Best gift Copy Share Image
“I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I wanted to say Thank You in sign language, but instead I sneezed and ended up shooting out an I love you.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used to represent the warmth and comfort of Libertarian ideals. And the world would be a better place, if… — Jarod Kintz Better place Copy Share Image
“What can I say about love that’s never been said by me or anyone else? Well, sometimes love smells like my farts,… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If a cold breeze signifies a ghost, then the arctic must be really haunted. I’m going there next week, because I’ve got… — Jarod Kintz Arctic Copy Share Image
“Helen Keller, she just can’t see how much I love her. Also, she acts like she can’t hear my crying out for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Things just didn’t work out between us. Who knows, another time, another place, maybe things still wouldn’t have worked out.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being a parent is a gift, one which most men unselfishly allow women to keep all to themselves.” — Jarod Kintz Parent Copy Share Image
“I had an out-of-body experience so strange that it felt normal. You see, my soul, or essence, had left my body and… — Jarod Kintz Spirituality Copy Share Image
“All drivers run red lights the same way—with a glance in the rearview mirror to see if a cop saw them. I… — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
“A blanket, when taken to the top of a mountain and laid flat, could be painted orange and used as a landing… — Jarod Kintz Aliens Copy Share Image
“You’re as likely to see me sleeping on the job as a snooze is liable to grow legs 26.2 miles long and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The American Dream is to not have to work, so with unemployment at record levels, you’d think more people would be excited… — Jarod Kintz American dream Copy Share Image
“Getting a rejection letter from a place you’ve been thinking about is bad enough, but how shitty do I feel getting a… — Jarod Kintz Rejection Copy Share Image
“A stranger left a white jacket, and it’s tempting for me to grab it, put it on, and use it like a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What I like most about reading is I can read in minutes what it took the author hours to write. What I… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I just took a shit that smelled like a dentist’s office. Open your mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like a friend, if you’re the sort of person who uses their friends. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If you could change War’s name, do you think you’d change its nature?” — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“-Is he dead? -Gosh I hope so, because I went to a lot of trouble to dig his grave.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mr. Bass, would you say you fish a lot? Or do you prefer strumming stringed instruments?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I told her “Have a good weekend.” Then I thought, “Idiot. It’s Sunday night.” — Jarod Kintz Sunday Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a stand in for a liar’s face. Go on, punch that liar in his face. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hung a large pizza over my window, because it was more delicious than curtains.” — Jarod Kintz Pizza Copy Share Image
“I am cursed. Everybody around me dies. It just might take a hundred years for them to do so.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
