“I take humor very seriously. I also take it three times a day, with meals.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasnt hungry, I just wanted to call some plays. — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
“If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He’s going to give me a piggyback ride home. He’s my designated walker.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a poor worker. The quality of work I do is excellent, but I make no money.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“A brick is a banana. No it isn’t. Still, I think you should eat it anyway. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Anal Copy Share Image
“Who art thou? Are you art, or a guy named Art? Doesn’t matter. What does matter is, Are you for sale?” — Jarod Kintz Artist Copy Share Image
“It’s not you, it’s me.” This line could signify rejection, or it could be something I say in the future, when I’m… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“Death is the only equality guaranteed in life. A poor man will die just as surely as a rich man.” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.” — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“I want to wow you with my loudness. I wish I could turn down your job offer, because it’s hurting my ears.” — Jarod Kintz Loudness Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to put out a fire. Unless that fire is in your heart, and you simply refuse to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself,… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“When I found him lying in the ditch holding a shovel, I thought he was sleeping on the job. Turns out he… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Actual message in letter I mailed: Congrats on getting married! Here’s a hundred-dollar gift certificate to Amazon.com. You could buy something practical,… — Jarod Kintz Getting married Copy Share Image
“A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“When I went in the secret chamber, Thor was indeed there. A small room, the walls are entirely covered with loose slips… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s easier to start writing if you have something to write about, rather than staring at a blank screen thinking about nothing… — Jarod Kintz Writer Copy Share Image
“I keep a pen clipped inside the right pocket of my jeans in case I’m ever attacked by a man wielding a… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“Personal branding is more important today than ever. Today is today, right? If today is tomorrow, and it soon will be, then… — Jarod Kintz Branding Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a screen to project animated bedtime stories onto, and also a place to project your fears… — Jarod Kintz Bedtime Copy Share Image
“My love is like a crumbly cookie. It’s very hard to give all of it to just one person. Try as I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to wipe your ass with. You know, if you already live someplace shitty. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An exercise in unknowing is not the same as not knowing or forgetting.” — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“What’s the point of being the first to arrive? Nobody is there to witness your commitment.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I've eaten cat food before. Of course, the menu listed it as "Chicken Lo Mein.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to schedule dentist appointments for March 32, otherwise known as April Fool’s Day.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick, in the hands of a Mason, could be used to cover up and hide a secret handshake. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We all make mistakes. Some just manufacture them in a factory and sell them to the public.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“College is a scam. Why go into debt to get no job when you could be unemployed for FREE?” — Jarod Kintz Career Copy Share Image
“I called the cops to see if I had a rap sheet. I do, and it rhymes.” — Jarod Kintz Rapper Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to soften resistance. Smash the opposition into a pulp! ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I keep my valuable things locked up. Everybody does. Therefore, criminals must be valuable.” — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
