“If the world were coming to an end tomorrow, I’d probably call in sick to work.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I meant to spear her with my love, but bad breath got in the way. Next time I’ll spearmint.” — Jarod Kintz Bad breath Copy Share Image
“Would you mind washing my feet? I’m a centipede, so it may take you a century.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everyone owns a piece of democracy. Actually, I own two pieces, and each one has a nipple.” — Jarod Kintz Democracy Copy Share Image
“I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like my eggs sunny side up at midnight, and I wear sunglasses when I eat them because they are so bright.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It doesn’t matter how I arrive at my conclusions, so long as I reach my destination safe and sound. Especially sound.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you own the most profitable manure distribution warehouse in the world, you might not like the smell of success.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to sit on the sofa, eating potato chips, while wearing one of those vibrating ab belts and getting a workout.” — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a scapegoat. But I’d rather use real goats, because they make better cheese. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to ever see her again, because I want to always remember her as she was—young and beautiful. She won't… — Jarod Kintz Dementia Copy Share Image
“Reflecting on myself—it can be introspective, depending on if I’m standing in front of a mirror at that moment or not.” — Jarod Kintz Introspective Copy Share Image
“A hotel is more than bricks and blankets. A hotel is a welcoming atmosphere, and a place to engage in a business… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A brick could be planted on a farm, in the hopes that a house will spring up come harvest. But that idea… — Jarod Kintz Drought Copy Share Image
“Seeing no better jobs on the horizon than flipping hamburgers with so much grease it would make Portugal, Italy, and Spain jealous,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m writing a book, one letter at a time. After thirteen days, I just finished writing “Once upon a time.” Since it’s… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“The term “global audience” is misleading and meaningless, but I’m proud to say that I do indeed have a global audience. At… — Jarod Kintz Audience Copy Share Image
“I think the most romantic letter you ever gave me was “W,” because it’s a couple of soul mate “V”s. Or maybe… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If body language is 90% of a conversation, then obviously what’s being said is only half as important as what’s not being… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“Everybody should have their own personal logo. Mine is a smiley face that’s winking, as if I’m passing on secret knowledge. But… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I worry about identity theft. What’s to stop somebody from cloning me to drain the cash from my bank account? And it’d… — Jarod Kintz Bank account Copy Share Image
“I respect people who make eye contact (blind people get a free respect card).” — Jarod Kintz Blind people Copy Share Image
“A being of light for a pet wouldn’t be furry, but it would keep you warm—and awake at night.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait.” — Jarod Kintz Hurry up and wait Copy Share Image
“Book: Ten Steps to Asexuality and Financial Freedom, by Lonely Path” — Jarod Kintz Asexuality Copy Share Image
“I’d paint with a beard if I could grow out of my abstract expressionist phase.” — Jarod Kintz Artist Copy Share Image
“I may look like someone you know. I resemble an apple pie.” — Jarod Kintz Apple pie Copy Share Image
“Aside from those few times I’ve killed a man, I’m not a violent person.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.” — Jarod Kintz Approximately Copy Share Image
