“My love is like the collision between a falling statue and still bird poop.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m as constant as Constantinople. Now that’s some Istanbul shit.” — Jarod Kintz Constantinople Copy Share Image
“All I took on my trip were my ideas. So, I guess I’m not a light packer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I told the cops I’ve been framed. I told them to just go look in the art gallery.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Would you like your cyanide as it is, or by some other name?” — Jarod Kintz Cyanide Copy Share Image
“My skin hasn’t been sleeping. It stays awake just itching for a fight.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On TV, I can hit the mute button and silence any moron. I wish real life came with a hush button I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Come buy from me what you could rent elsewhere. Like a Like button or a wiggly wrench—or donuts that yesterday would have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, I took him to a party.” — Jarod Kintz Introverted Copy Share Image
“He’s a buying dude, and I’ve got to sell him something—like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.) ” — Jarod Kintz Labor day Copy Share Image
“I’ve been meaning to go shopping for boxing gloves, but I’ve been putting it off. I just need to knock it out… — Jarod Kintz Boxing Copy Share Image
“I am the dinosaur of love. Specifically, I am a pterodactyl, and you are my silent “p.” Stay quiet woman!” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Hospitality is about welcoming you with open arms, and an outstretched erection. Please, have a seat on my penis. Can I get… — Jarod Kintz Hospitality Copy Share Image
“I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives… — Jarod Kintz Aspirations Copy Share Image
“I have a rating system I apply to all people. Mao Zedong might have a Meow Factor of four, but I like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There is nothing more romantic than candles and flowers, except candles that smell like flowers and flowers that can be burned, as… — Jarod Kintz Candles Copy Share Image
“Most people don’t know where money comes from. Even most of our elected officials don’t know. If you were to ask a… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“When Jed comes in and gives you that look where his forehead wrinkles up and his chin drops so low that his… — Jarod Kintz Winter Copy Share Image
“I’d prefer going on a date with 10 women at once. Not only might I get a bulk discount at the restaurant,… — Jarod Kintz Interview Copy Share Image
“I didn’t have time to grow out a mustache, so I wore a squirrel to the party. Women looked at me like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Planning is worrying, only in a productive, proactive form. Worry has to be a large element of planning, or else how could… — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“If I’m having a conversation with my clone, am I having an interior dialogue externally?” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I want to open up a counter-culture club. It’ll be anti-established in 2012.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll see a tree and be reminded of her. So I’ll have to go have sex with that tree.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A bad reputation will dog you for years. A good reputation will cat you. ” — Jarod Kintz Bad reputation Copy Share Image
“If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I bought a zoo, which is funny, because I own the very place that should own me.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“She was a pretty good lover. Too bad she wasn’t pretty and good.” — Jarod Kintz Lover Copy Share Image
“Learn body language so you can not only speak it, but misspeak it too.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“My thoughts absorb sound like sponges soak up water. Please don’t whistle while I masturbate.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ex was a BBW, but she looked Ok. Actually, she looked more like Tx.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Today is Wednesday. That makes it my Wednesday. It also makes Tuesday my Monday.” — Jarod Kintz Monday Copy Share Image
“He works for the CIA. Johnny Redyellow is his name, but I just simply call him Agent Orange.” — Jarod Kintz Agent orange Copy Share Image
