“I wish all the lobbyists on K Street would drown in alphabet soup.” — Jarod Kintz Alphabet soup Copy Share Image
“I can do a week in a weekend. That’s not how efficient I am, that’s how little I work.” — Jarod Kintz Productivity Copy Share Image
“I’m going on vacation, and I’m leaving my clone in charge. I’ll be gone, but I’ll be here.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People who have knickknacks are people people. Some are even named Nick.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Politics isn’t dirty. And neither are politicians. No, politicians are filthy.” — Jarod Kintz Politicians Copy Share Image
“I'm all about safe fruit. After I peel a banana, I roll on a condom.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As the Hulk is green, I was bright red. I wasn’t embarrassed, but I was having a Niacin reaction.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone. ” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Freedom isn't free. But there are some really great coupons if you know where to look. Buy one liberty, get the next… — Jarod Kintz Coupons Copy Share Image
“Ten years have gone by since the ten year anniversary, and I still remember it like it happened a decade ago.” — Jarod Kintz Anniversary Copy Share Image
“I want to bring as much love into the world as I can. Where am I bringing it from? I’m going to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I make love like a brick could be used as toilet paper. Sure, it’s rough, but I thought you liked that shit. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My nose is so big it’s like a mountain ridge on my face. Ladies, you could Mt. Everest, or you could mount… — Jarod Kintz Mt everest Copy Share Image
“I was driving to another girl’s house who’s not my girl, and I saw a red sign by the road that read,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The piece of junk is a piece of me. It’s a part of my family, and I can’t part with it. The… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“A sand trap is like a politician in its duality. It represents two opposing viewpoints. You see, it was designed to trap… — Jarod Kintz Golf Copy Share Image
“Love isn’t stackable and interlocking, like boxes or Legos. Love is like a one-legged man standing on a three-legged chair that is… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“After reading one of my one-liners a few years ago, a former professor of mine looked up at me and said, “You… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her name is Denise, and she has green eyes and red hair. Well, this week. Last week her hair was dyed blonde,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love isn’t a series of slogans like “Just do it,” “It’s the real thing,” or “Go ahead, stick it in my butt.”… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I love pan pizza. I love pans. I love Peter Pan. I love Peter, but not as much as I love Paul.… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to divide two people, and then conquer both of them. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What ends in a W, has no beginning, and is always in the present? Now.” — Jarod Kintz Anger Copy Share Image
“I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink.” — Jarod Kintz Adrenaline Copy Share Image
“I am a tree, though I’m not a shady character. I’m like a tree in winter.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to pour your voice into a goldfish bowl before flushing it down the toilet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have about as much practice sleeping as everyone else, though I’d like to have more.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I long for your love like shortness of breath. Somebody get me an inhaler!” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“There are shades of schadenfreude. My favorite shade is bright red, from a haughty spanking.” — Jarod Kintz Schadenfreude Copy Share Image
“I need to convince John to convince Jim to convince Jason that I don’t need convincing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could write from anywhere, including the moon, provided I had a pencil and not a pen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll wait until your mouth is full of food before I ask you a question. I’m like a dentist.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I like how volcanoes rumble before they erupt, as if to say, Get the hell off me.” — Jarod Kintz Erupt Copy Share Image
