“Boil your drinking water, and drink the water surrounding you in your bathtub.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have failed, and I should bury my failure. I need a trowel (it was a small failure).” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“I try not to sell myself short, unless I’m giving myself a great price on the stuff.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You don’t have the shadow volume to sit next to me in the sunshine of truth.” — Jarod Kintz Light Copy Share Image
“I saw you see me like a seesaw, and I knew you were the one to be number two.” — Jarod Kintz Seesaw Copy Share Image
“I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.” — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.” — Jarod Kintz Fasting Copy Share Image
“I’m big on body language. If you give me the air hand job gesture, I might try to stick my dick in… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Call me Bitter Otter. It’s just a nickname I gave myself. However, a better descriptive and more realistic name for myself would… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite salad dressing is vodka. And my favorite ice cream flavor is coffee, though I prefer it melted and hot enough… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I’ve only been with my girlfriend for three days, but it feels like a lifetime—the lifetime of a gnat.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The morning came pouring down on my night, but luckily I was able to convert my erection into an umbrella.” — Jarod Kintz Morning Copy Share Image
“Love is the thing that holds life together. Sort of like rind to a melon, cloth to a stuffed animal, or money… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to sell two-legged tables to one-legged men. This very same blanket could also teach them some Latin—specifically… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The final few weeks in a town before you move always feel like vacation, like you’re observing and taking it all in,… — Jarod Kintz College degree Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stall for time when the police are searching your place looking for a missing person. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I often laugh at a dog that chases its own tail. But aren’t there some people out there who spend a lot… — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“A car’s gas tank should be see-through, so I don’t have to rely on a possibly faulty gauge to tell me it’s… — Jarod Kintz Human heart Copy Share Image
“When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I wish somebody would combine tasers and dildos, and test the devices out on all the politicians in Washington DC. Well, all… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“My heart beats to the rhythm of the windshield wipers. I’d better never drive in the desert, unless I want to die.… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Two years ago I bought my brother’s slightly used iMac for five hundred bucks. Five hundred bucks! That’s the price of a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My hero’s hero is not necessarily my hero, unless my clone’s hero is my clone’s clone.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.” — Jarod Kintz Alibi Copy Share Image
“Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%.” — Jarod Kintz Relationship Copy Share Image
“I sleep in a hyperbolic chamber as spacious as the chamber of commerce. That was hyperbole.” — Jarod Kintz Chamber of commerce Copy Share Image
“I can kick the can down the road, and I can also kick other modal verbs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw a mummy in a movie once, and I’ve got to say I love George Harrison’s style.” — Jarod Kintz Movie Copy Share Image
“Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!” — Jarod Kintz Guns Copy Share Image
“My trash can got stolen five times. Finally the owner just let me have it. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
