“His thin accusation hung thick in the air like fog smoking a cigarette.” — Jarod Kintz Accusation Copy Share Image
“Dear Ian, I felt good. I felt like a Christian to the T. Also to the Chris, Ian.” — Jarod Kintz Christian Copy Share Image
“As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon.” — Jarod Kintz Brain Copy Share Image
“We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“A brick could be slid on a wood floor, like a rolling bowling ball, in an attempt to fill the seconds between… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With intellectual labor your hard work is forever, while with manual labor your hard work is temporary and soon forgotten.” — Jarod Kintz Hard work Copy Share Image
“My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I made plans out of hope, expectation, desire, and duct tape, and I broke those plans with my bare hands.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My new book is going well. It’s practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I’m not writing it, my clone is.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Governments are too stupid to understand that too much red tape does not bind a nation together—it tears it apart.” — Jarod Kintz Government Copy Share Image
“A shiny metallic fridge is like a mini skyscraper. And the guy in my fridge, he’s like the janitor of the skyscraper.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If an ambulance gets in a wreck, who drives them to the hospital? Why doesn’t the hospital drive to them? I volunteer… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Good thing my mother-in-law isn’t pizza shaped, because then I’d have to cut her up into eight slices and serve her to… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a time travel device. I didn’t say it would work well, and you’d say it didn’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The speaker was so boring that he put me to sleep. But he didn’t stop talking, so I had to wake up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to quell the rebellion. Wait until all the men are asleep before you kill them, rape them,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When certain people can’t figure out why a certain place produces a certain thing, they tend to say, “There must be something… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“I’ve wrestled an alligator before. It wasn’t alive, but I still pinned it down. I was trying to impress a woman, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me F*** you. Then Ill go back to that person and… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“From where I live now I can walk to the beach, if I have about three weeks.” — Jarod Kintz Beach Copy Share Image
“In these modern times, the only sensible thing to be is nonsensical.” — Jarod Kintz Modern times Copy Share Image
“I'm not afraid of death, I'm just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The key to getting a discount is timing. Always negotiate on price before you pay.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I wanted to eat leftovers, I wouldn’t have taken a dump in the Tupperware.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The chimes were clinging in the wind. Or were they clanging, and clinging to hope?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life’s like brown sugar sprinkled on shit. Sure it tastes great, if you don’t mind the smell.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.” — Jarod Kintz Argument Copy Share Image
“50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the epicenter of Epcot Center you’ll find me hiding, 333 miles away.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I think about all the thinking I’ve done, I get sleepy, like a coffee-colored bear.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
