“I fight with the strength of many lion meows. I love even more ferociously.” — Jarod Kintz Strength Copy Share Image
“Loneliness is the unloneliest feeling in the world, as everyone has experienced it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket represent two lovers who can never be together. I simply forbid it! ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a banana, and I keep it in my pocket on cold days to warm up my hand.” — Jarod Kintz Cold days Copy Share Image
“Sometimes my thoughts are too slimy for my brain, and they come shooting out of my penis. They are life-changing thoughts, so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could jump in a small swimming pool or dive in the big ocean, and I’d be equally as wet. So it… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used for a soft opening of a new casino. The softer the better, I always say. Well, I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Jarod Kintz Day—it’s not just my birthday, but it should be a holiday that’s mandatory to celebrate, punishable by death if you… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Falling in love should be natural, like the food at Moe’s. Baby, I am so hungry for you, even though I know… — Jarod Kintz Falling in love Copy Share Image
“You wouldn’t try to mow your lawn with an electric razor, like it was a green beard, so why would you try… — Jarod Kintz Existence Copy Share Image
“Love is like a buffalo with butterfly wings, and I’m just the humble man in the jetpack trying to shoot it down… — Jarod Kintz Butterfly wings Copy Share Image
“To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly… — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“I'm a year older than 365 days ago, and I'm having trouble bending my knees and my lower back is killing me.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I want to name one of my kids “I’ll-Have-A-Large-Cheeseburger.” That way, when I show up at McDonald's with my kids and the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drove 30 miles to buy some breath mints before I realized I had some already in my pocket. Then it took… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He’ll think I’ll do it, he’ll act like I’ll do it, and so I will do it. But if he will think… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be bunched up and used as a seat cushion. But I’d rather cut off your buttocks and use that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Three people are interviewing for a job. The first thinks his odds are 33.3 percent of landing the job. The second guy,… — Jarod Kintz Chance Copy Share Image
“I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because… — Jarod Kintz Plane Copy Share Image
“Don’t rub noses with a shark. It may be the last dental appointment you ever have.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pick a number between one to ten. Now, pick the number that you think I picked you to pick. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put the “cat” in category. And not only do I put it there, but I pet it too.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I’m typing at my keyboard, I often feel like Mozart. Can somebody scratch my Bach? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the spirit of slumber parties, I want to have a sleepover and invite only narcoleptics.” — Jarod Kintz Religion Copy Share Image
“I had a hand in getting my clone employment. I gave him a handjob.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“It’s not hush money. It’s simply dollars backed not by faith, but by shhh.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“I once got stabbed with a lightning bolt. True story. (No it isn’t).” — Jarod Kintz Lightning Copy Share Image
“You may not have said anything, but you’re right—silence is the best response.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My stomach’s upset. I must have accidentally said something to insult it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
