“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.” — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket? — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“Yo no quiero alcanzar la inmortalidad por mi obra. Quiero conseguirla por no morir. No quiero vivir en la memoria de mis… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I'm generally not a social dramatist or comedy writer. My interests have always been more in psychological stories or personal relations and… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I feel humor is important for those two reasons: that it is a little bit of refreshment like music, and that women… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I think if you have a comic perspective, almost anything that happens you tend to put through a comic filter. It's a… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it.… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I'm a comedian. I make comic films and there are certain ideas that occur to me that are comic, with heavy, serious… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“These modern analysts! They charge so much. In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks, he… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I feel that humor, just like Fred Astaire dance numbers or these lightweight musicals, gives you a little oasis. You are in… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I'm not a big believer in the sense of Jews having a monopoly on comedy. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.” — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?” — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“If I got a paper cut, that’s a tragedy. If you fell down an open manhole and died, that's comedy.” — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.” — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause! — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“True, science has conquered many diseases, broken the genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man of… — Woody Allen Copy Share
In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate it, and… — Woody Allen Copy Share
I think Frank Capra was a much craftier filmmaker, a wonderful filmmaker. He had enormous technique, and he knew how to manipulate the public… — Woody Allen Copy Share
Gauguin flew into a frenzy! He held my head under the X-ray machine for ten straight minutes and for several hours after I could… — Woody Allen Copy Share
I enjoy the making of the film and it's something for me to do. If nobody ever comes to my films, if people don't… — Woody Allen Copy Share
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. — Woody Allen Copy Share
A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone. — Woody Allen Copy Share
There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important. — Woody Allen Copy Share
