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Humorous Quotes by Woody Allen

56 Humorous quotes by Woody Allen

All Humorous quotes Woody Allen’s page

Woody Allen mixes absurd thoughts with everyday worries. He imagines wild swans over a moonlit night, wonders if reality is just a dream, and jokes about a psychiatrist treating a chicken‑thinking brother. His humor also includes silly confessions about drinking, cheating on a metaphysics exam, and even a romantic fling with the Statue of Liberty.

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I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

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The heart wants what it wants.

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The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

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God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

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Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

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My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

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Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

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If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

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I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

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Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love…

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Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.

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There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late…

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I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

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Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

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It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

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I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

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Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not only get…

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I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the…

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Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast…

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Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's…

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I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an…

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he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn…

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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third…

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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live…

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I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't…

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This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why…

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You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists…

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Notes for a ballet, The Spell: ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across…

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I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in…

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Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people.…

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What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you…

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The wicked at heart probably know something.

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My brain? It's my second favorite organ!

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The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

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Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

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I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

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I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

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Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

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At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings.

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Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

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More by Woody Allen

“True, science has conquered many diseases, broken the genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man of…

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate it, and…

I think Frank Capra was a much craftier filmmaker, a wonderful filmmaker. He had enormous technique, and he knew how to manipulate the public…

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

Gauguin flew into a frenzy! He held my head under the X-ray machine for ten straight minutes and for several hours after I could…

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

I enjoy the making of the film and it's something for me to do. If nobody ever comes to my films, if people don't…

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone.

Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad.

All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that.

There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully.