“They had me next to some horrible couple in matching Hawaiian shirts. There's no reason to suffer this flight alone when we… — Stephanie Perkins Copy Share Image
“A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the… — Amy Riekhof Copy Share Image
“It is the way in which the Dark returns, Harrier. I will explain, if you like." "Oh, no," Harrier said. "I'd much… — Mercedes Lackey Copy Share Image
As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. It's just when I shut off and stay… — Ron White Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t take it. Not now. I could be Barrack Obama and my mother would persist in treating me like a baby… — S. A. David Copy Share Image
“All in all, the lunch date was fine. Like an opened can of soda in its second hour. If you were thirsty,… — Heather Dugan Copy Share Image
Comedy is grievances. It's a recitation of grievances - whether they're inconsequential, superficial - like "my wife shops too much", or "kids… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm seven hundred years old, Alexander. I know when something isn't going to work. You won't even admit I exist to your… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
“Could you bring me to Rita’s house before we go to the airport?” I ask. “There’s one last thing I need to… — L.H. Cosway Copy Share Image
For health and the constant enjoyment of life, give me a keen and ever present sense of humor; it is the next… — George Barrell Cheever Copy Share Image
All we do is watch The Wire and go out to dinner with our friends. I wish I could tell you that… — Amy Poehler Copy Share Image
“I’d had a key to the marina’s locks at one time, but I’d lost track of it when I got shot, drowned,… — Jim Butcher Copy Share Image
“Just then the Mustang made a loud clanking noise and started to vibrate. Hastily shoving his coffee in the drink holder, Alex… — L. A. Weatherly Copy Share Image
“[ When asked what he wants for his tombstone epitaph ] Since I'm an atheist, and have no belief whatsoever in life… — Richard Bartle Copy Share Image
So, as opposed to getting people in to read the script and read scenes with me, what I wanted to do was… — Dan Mazer Copy Share Image
“I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I'm… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Many things have been written, including by me, linking humor and pain. Mostly, in my case, the humor part keeps me sane.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“You have many qualities that make you as great a man as any other here at the Althing. In the first place,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“As I grabbed my cocoa, chocolate ran down my hand. "This makes me feel like a five-year-old," I said, licking it off.… — Mindi Scott Copy Share Image
I was greatly influenced by 'The Goons' and 'Monty Python' reconstituting what comedy was - it could come from a funny word,… — Sanjeev Bhaskar Copy Share Image
I did whatever it takes to do stand-up. There is an abundance of material in struggling and poverty and trying to make… — Dat Phan Copy Share Image
“A picture is worth a thousand words, but the way I paint I'm going to need to contact an editor. Even if… — James Lee Schmidt Copy Share Image
“And then there's the perverse joy of subtly working in references to marathon training in daily life, say at the post office… — Sarah Bowen Shea Copy Share Image
“I swear there are about a million rocks underneath me," [Dylan] said grouchily. Think of it as therapeutic. Like a shiatsu massage."… — Sarah Mayberry Copy Share Image
My dad is a storyteller. I've heard his funny stories 500 times, but I would never stop him because he tells them… — Sarah Millican Copy Share Image
It's so fun because Jason [Mantzoukas]'s one of the smartest people I've met in comedy. So unbelievably fast comedically - so he's… — Jackie Schaffer Copy Share Image
There is no difference between alternative and traditional club comedy. People think there's a difference, but I don't think so. It's like… — Brent Weinbach Copy Share Image
“This one is called "Chunky Munky".' Nadia stopped with the spoon halfway to her mouth. 'But isn´t a monkey a small chattering… — Evangeline Anderson Copy Share Image
“I'm thinking we ought to rethink the whole self-esteem thing. It should almost be a dirty word. I mean, look at Kayla.… — Deb Caletti Copy Share Image
Is there any indication we shouldn't be depressed - are you living on the same planet that I am? Do you ever… — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
“You know Quinn?" Macaulay asked me. "Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed." Macaulay grinned. "I hope you keep his… — Dashiell Hammett Copy Share Image
“How's your grandpa?" "Still worried that your blackness will infect me." "That's the plan. First you, then all the other blondes, and… — MaryJanice Davidson Copy Share Image
“If you show up late [for anger management], you don't get credit for the class, which made that car ride even more… — Tommy Lee Copy Share Image
“The poorly sophisticated, since many of us are, as presumed to be, lacking in good arguments, we are then prone to being… — Criss Jami Copy Share Image
Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people's things. And my cousin, who's a 'gangster', he's like, 'No, Tash,… — Natasha Leggero Copy Share Image
“Awe! Leaving so soon?” Gabby said sweetly, holding the door open. “I was just about to pull out the gun for you… — Laura Kreitzer Copy Share Image
If the psychic energies of the average mass of people watching a football game or a musical comedy could be diverted into… — Wilhelm Reich Copy Share Image
“With an unseen inner-smile, the beetle carried on its journey, rolling manure. It had decided that stones were not to its liking.… — Stephen Craig Copy Share Image
If the writing is good, then the writing is already funny. All you have to do is make this funny writing true… — Constance Wu Copy Share Image
“Something must have happened, your mother speculated. In her mind a woman with no child could only be explained by vast untrammeled… — Junot Díaz Copy Share Image
![“[ When asked what he wants for his tombstone epitaph ] Since I'm an atheist, and have no belief whatsoever in life after death, I couldn't care less -- it's not like it'll have any impact on me, since by definition I will be completely extinguished. I guess if someone twisted my arm and forced me…” quote by Richard Bartle](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/0d1/richard-bartle-129409_afterlife_when-asked-what-he-wants-for-his-tombsto_1202035.jpg)
![“I swear there are about a million rocks underneath me," [Dylan] said grouchily. Think of it as therapeutic. Like a shiatsu massage." (Sadie) You obviously have a much better imagination than me," he said.” quote by Sarah Mayberry](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/167/sarah-mayberry-9507_camping_i-swear-there-are-about-a-million-rocks_1549520.jpg)
![“It's so fun because Jason [Mantzoukas]'s one of the smartest people I've met in comedy. So unbelievably fast comedically - so he's quick with whatever, but it's fun to watch someone be so quick and so stupid simultaneously.” quote by Jackie Schaffer](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/5e1/jackie-schaffer-56221_comedy_it-s-so-fun-because-jason-mantzoukas-s-o_2919975.jpg)
![“If you show up late [for anger management], you don't get credit for the class, which made that car ride even more of a test of your temper. Being late was great-you could leave if you wanted to, but that wasn't going to help you at all. I was late a few times and I always stayed, hoping to get…” quote by Tommy Lee](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/382/tommy-lee-3389_anger-management_if-you-show-up-late-for-anger-management_414567.jpg)
