Humor Quotes · Page 549

“If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s…

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“What's the use of complaining about something you have no intentions of changing it?”

— Mario L Castellanos

The people of the United States will do anything for Latin America, except read about it.

— Anonymous

To live above with the saints we love, oh that will be glory... to live below with the saints we know well,…

— Anonymous

My philosophy towards life is to enjoy it to the fullest and have fun. I am one of those 'laugh-out-loud' kinds. I…

— Bipasha Basu

I never did comedy or tragedy. I just live a situation and my mission is to entertain people.

— Rajpal Yadav

“Good news is, we're annoying him. Bad news is, we're all going to die painfully.”

— Brandy Nacole

“Comedy was invented to make people forget, That the plays of our lives were originally written as tragedies.”

— Cody Edward Lee Miller

“Are you a person who peels off a band-aid slowly or just rips it off all at once?" Casey contemplated Alexa's warning,…

— Donna McDonald

“I was into third guesses with Theo and Maddy. Anyway, that's one of the reasons I opted to buy the van and…

— Nora Roberts

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

— Dave Attell

“In the broadest sense, there are at least two ways to use the danger of norms for comedic effect. The first is…

— Kevin Simler

“Would you like to stand next to me and introduce yourself to the class?'' Smiled Mr Zimmerman, the English teacher. Nope, I…

— Stella Coulson

“The philosopher Sir James Mackintosh had said that the powers of a man's mind were proportionate to the quantity of coffee he…

— Phil Ford

“Janey was planning a short engagement, she'd simpered, and so, of course, the inevitable collection for the wedding present would soon follow.…

— Gail Honeyman

The point with me is that it's always been, even with the stand-up, that the music has to be right. You have…

— Bill Bailey

“He's doing a sniffing thing! I've already been through this; it's how I got stuck with Aiden!! Meryn yelled”

— Alanea Alder

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

— Adam Ferrara

I see myself as a performer and that applies to a Greek drama or a modern comedy.

— Brendan Coyle

“I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.”

— David Sedaris

I believe that economists put decimal points in their forecasts to show they have a sense of humor.

— William Gilmore Simms

Don't try to give a funny opinion; give your opinion in a way that will be funny.

— Franklyn Ajaye

“Jenna slipped in wearing an outfit that I can only describe as Hello Kitty Goes Goth.”

— Rachel Hawkins

“I wish I could say I’m low maintenance, but I like some of the finer things in life…like a toothbrush.”

— M.A. George

Everyone is a comedy. If people are laughing at you, they just don't quite understand the joke that is themselves.

— Matt Haig

When I started out, I wanted to be a serious actor. I never thought I'd get into comedy.

— Charlotte Rae

“Monday isn't that bad to be honest, What makes it bad is living in it.”

— Day

If my life wasn't funny it would just be true, and that is unacceptable.

— Carrie Fisher

Anyway, I'm so thankful, and so gracious - I'm gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well.

— George W. Bush

Our generation doesn't ring the doorbell. We text or call to say we're outside.

— Punkinhead Abhishek

I've never seen a game like this. Every game this year has been like this.

— Jerry Coleman

I just - you know, some people just have some very full laughter - full of joy - and have no shame…

— Ray Liotta

“Pathetic, huh?” He learned that word from me. “Yeah. It’s like the opposite of a fish, right?”

— Hannah Moskowitz

“Getting involved with a victim was kind of like trying to find love on a reality show...rarely successful.”

— Carla Cassidy

“Carla was wearing a No Fear sweatshirt. You are too old, Amy wanted to tell her, for legible clothing.”

— Jincy Willett

I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.

— Alan King

My favorite comedy is comedy where nothing is achieved and there is no point.

— Conan O'Brien

I think it would be hard to go the distance in this business without a sense of humor.

— Patricia Clarkson

“The smell nearly distracted me from my task, but no-I remained steadfast. Stiff upper lip, Watson! Action! Answers! THEN bacon.”

— G.S. Denning

Nothing makes your sense of humor disappear faster than having someone ask where it is.

— Ivern Ball