Humor Quotes · Page 548

“Amateur psychiatric prognosis can be fascinating when there is absolutely nothing else to do.”

— Richard Condon

Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

Faith handles the ultimate incongruities of life, humor handles the more immediate ones.

— William Sloane Coffin

I believe you are one of the people that can lift the corners of the universe.

— Ann M. Martin

“He exhaled in disgust. “High school is boredom punctuated by humiliation.”

— Katie Kennedy

The ability to workshop in stand-up comedy is incomparable to any art form, in my opinion.

— Mike Birbiglia

There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny…

— David Spade

Tough and funny and a little bit kind: that is as near to perfection as a human being can be.

— Mignon McLaughlin

“God is funny. He had a funny day when he made me. A funny, thoughtful, crazy day. He gave me a physique…

— C. JoyBell C

In my career, since people have appreciated my performance on television for years, even casting directors trust that I am capable of…

— Sunil Grover

Tis no extravagant arithmetic to say, that for every ten jokes, thou hast got an hundred enemies; and till thou hast gone…

— Laurence Sterne

“There's a cover for every pot, but I've never seen so many mismatched pots and covers in all my life. - Ellen…

— Alisa Dana Steinberg

“...A legendary leader distinguishes himself as someone who gets ahead of his people from an impasse and futile general consensus, and then…

— Janvier Chouteu-Chando

I love scary movies and respect the filmmakers of scary movies, and it's just as hard to make a great scary movie…

— Jason Blum

You bet being funny helps accomplish things. I've always maintained that people don't realize how many brain cells it takes to be…

— Ann Richards

When you go out there to do comedy, you feel like you're doing battle with the audience a lot of the time.…

— Rob Riggle

“My coffin isn't going to be featured in Better Homes and Moonscapes anytime soon, but it's all I can afford.”

— Andy Weir

“Dr. Tezla: Mark Wylde. Markie: Yeah! Dr. Tezla: Kurt Wylde. Markie: Ahhh! (Throws machinery on floor)”

— Hot Wheels Acceleracers

“A man's love for a woman is not defined by his availability in bed, but by every ingredient he adds to improve…

— Michael Bassey Johnson

I have five boys in the family, and it's constant competition, sport, humor, and practical jokes.

— Mitt Romney

I'd rather be the bloke laughing at other people. I don't need to make people laugh. I surround myself with funny people.…

— Jennifer Garner

I've always played comedy. My background is musical comedy theatre, and that's really where my training is.

— Christopher Walken

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

— Steven Wright

If you try to go for a laugh, it's death to the comedy. Personally, that's how I approach comedy. But I'm no…

— Rachel Weisz

I like being a funny lady. I think theres nothing sexier than a funny lady.

— Maya Rudolph

“Have I have played my part well in the comedy of life? If so, clap your hands and dismiss me from the…

— Augustus

“You know you’ve reached the end of a relationship: when your lover now demands that your jokes be funny before they laugh.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

— Anthony Jeselnik

There's a moment in every romantic comedy when a person sees something in someone else that nobody else sees.

— Matt Walsh

“...he felt as if he were trying to move a glacier with a frozen chicken.”

— Mur Lafferty

“Being HIV positive doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to die before each and every person who is HIV negative.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The fact that the biblical book Hebrews is not an epistle of St Paul, or of any other apostle, is proved by…

— Martin Luther

Secret 869119. When searching for a terrorist cell, try to remember the last place you used it.

— John Alejandro King

I'm used to doing standup comedy where it's just me and a microphone and what I say goes.

— Esther Povitsky

It's important for young men and women who look at the Nebraska champs to understand that quality of life is more than…

— George W. Bush

I'm not a naturally funny man. I find that I can only be funny, if I become someone else.

— Rowan Atkinson

“somehow people forget that there is God… what more to us we're just individuals,, to forget is part of imperfections..”

— Orosa Nakpil Malate

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

— Doug Stanhope

“They say stress is the silent killer. But poison darts are also pretty damn quiet.”

— Sterling Archer

All you have shall some day be given. Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your…

— Khalil Gibran