Dear Single Internet Women, you DO NOT have an average build if your birthday suit looks like a snowmobile suit! — Rock Cowles Copy Share Image
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I was always very against the idea that for comedy to be 'important' it has to be dark. It's very much a… — David Baddiel Copy Share Image
“When a Dragon, an Elf, and a Human walk into a bar, the Human is always going to be the punch line.” — Bryan Fields Copy Share Image
“Pyaar-Vyaar karke kuch nahi hota. Jo hota hai wo Hawas hai aur kuch nahi.” — SuperAditya Copy Share Image
“Life is like a DVR recording. The story goes on, but you cannot see it until you fast forward through the commercials” — Christopher Earle Copy Share Image
I'm not sure who invented dodgeball, but I can almost guarantee you that it wasn't the shortest kid in the class. — John Bingham Copy Share Image
I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. — Roy Bean Copy Share Image
“We shook hands, just as we had the first day we'd met, which seemed absurd, given everything that had gone down between… — Cary Attwell Copy Share Image
The thing to remember is that children are temporary. As soon as they develop a sense of humor and get to be… — Barbara Holland Copy Share Image
“out similar characteristics in everyone. For example, law students were undisciplined and competitive, medical students strict and lacking a sense of humor,… — Donato Carrisi Copy Share Image
“Unsophisticated'," he said, cracking himself up again, " 'but nubile'. Jesus, where do they get that stuff? Nubile." "Try to contain your… — Nora Roberts Copy Share Image
“Furnishing was not a priority in the Citadel. Shelves, stools, tables... There was a rumor among the novices that priests towards the… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
“I know, I know. I was there, remember?" I love my husband, but he's such an Aquarian. Ask him the time, and… — Susan McCorkindale Copy Share Image
I've made my evolutionary purpose and had children. I don't care if anybody likes me, I'm going to do what I want… — John Hodgman Copy Share Image
“Maybe you’re sleepwalking. And sleeptexting. And sleepprimping.” “What’s next?” I grumbled to myself. Things were getting more out of control by the… — Karina Halle Copy Share Image
“The universal law is that the most frustrating thing will always happen, no matter how unlikely.” — Joe Abercrombie Heroes Copy Share Image
“I led my schoolmates in collecting pennies. We wanted to donate the pennies to the starving children in America.” — Anchee Min Copy Share Image
He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“Those who lack a sense of humor are destined to be life's hacked up hairballs.” — S.A. Garcia Copy Share Image
“If you've done 6 impossible things this morning, why not round it off with breakfast at Milliways, the Restaurant at the End… — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
When the needs of one person are being met by the other, there is laughter. — Yakov Smirnoff Copy Share Image
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish. — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
“Life is change, constant change, and unless we are lucky enough to find comedy in it, change is nearly always a drama,… — Mark T. Sullivan Copy Share Image
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“Books are like a movie that makes you smarter and lasts for hours and doesn't run out of battery.” — Ranbowfut Copy Share Image
“Stab me if you can enjoy it - but not if it feels like a duty. Stab me vertically if I’m lying… — Steve Aylett Copy Share Image
The best point of my novels, I think, is their humor. I want to keep many my works humorous. — Haruki Murakami Copy Share Image
“He stared at her. "How do chicks do that?" "We have uteruses- they give us magic color sense.” — Susan Andersen Copy Share Image
Comedy is here to bring joy to the world, whether you want to hear the curse words or not. — Kenan Thompson Copy Share Image
A responsive crowd is great - they help you see new things in your comedy. — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
2 blondes go to disneyland the sign said Disneyland left so they went home and cried — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Comedy is surprise. Comedy is not something that you can, necessarily, do twice. — Bryan Callen Copy Share Image
“It bears repeating a third time: Not being funny doesn't make you a bad person. Not having a sense of humour does.” — David Rakoff Copy Share Image
“...Bad leaders are known to destroy one, more or even all of the foundations of their people’s way of life...” — Janvier Chouteu-Chando Copy Share Image
“This approach is refreshing because most of the programming books I've read are drier than a camel's fart.” — Alan Dipert Copy Share Image
When a Boy could get to a girl sense of humor, she has no defense but to fall for him !! — Glen Rambharack Copy Share Image
The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford… — Adam Ferrara Copy Share Image
The akward moment when you are playing rock paper scissors and you lose and you think to yourself 'i shoud have picked… — Lauren Copy Share Image
“I had a dream that Zac Effron showed up at my door shirtless with a bouquet of flowers..yep, I’m still waiting on… — Starley Ard Copy Share Image
