Humor Quotes · Page 454

I have performed so much on 'Comedy Night' that people won't have any doubt whether I can dance with a heavy body…

— Kiku Sharda

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal: high enough so you can look up her dress.

— Steve Martin

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in…

— Anonymous

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

— Mitch Hedberg

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at…

— Mitch Hedberg

“I was at peace with it; I'd taken his hatred and insecurity-driven malice and turned it into fame, money, and of course,…

— Eugene Mirman

I do podcasts for the same reasons I do stand-up comedy. I love it, and I don't care if anybody else gets…

— Chris Hardwick

“I would have had to kill him, and Death, you know, keeps secrets better even than a guilty Roman.”

— Lew Wallace

Tone is a very difficult thing. You can't write tone, I don't think. You can try - you certainly try. I write…

— Beth Grant

“She tried to tear herself away from him. The effort broke against his arms that had not felt it. Her fists beat…

— Ayn Rand

“Isn't it perfectly possible that Nils and his wife are too depressed to have kids? The prospect of having kids depresses the…

— John Irving

My grandmother taught me that accomplishments meant less than what you left behind. I started to ask myself what impact my comedy…

— Sherri Shepherd

I used to be neurotic. I didn't like myself very much. But somewhere in my mid-40s, my neuroses stopped seeming so important.…

— Joanne Woodward

“I love everything about you Kacey, because the best thing in life is finding someone who knows your flaws, mistakes, difficulties, and…

— Toni Aleo

“Peaseblossom-decorous, proper Peaseblossom-dropped her trousers to waggle her naked, pale bottom at the Stage Manager. Bertie laughed involuntarily, choked on her coffee,…

— Lisa Mantchev

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we…

— Mike Birbiglia

Self depreciating humour won't win over an employer; if you're not sure of yourself why should they be?

— Whitney Port

“I’m not friends with Adam. Trust me, that man is as useful as a tape worm and as appealing as a raging…

— Ella Dominguez

“Sir U__ fell down from a speeding train, Which did some damage to his brain, And after that he did not know…

— Anonymous

There's an energy that comes through the release of tension that is laughter.

— Twyla Tharp

“Are you using that handbag that has the word fuck written all over it again? I warned you about taking that out…

— Darynda Jones

“The problem is that we've got a sense of humor and (Republicans have) got guns. Will we die laughing?”

— Thomas M. Disch

“A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.”

— Mark Twain

“I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.”

— Chelsea Handler

“I mean to take a good look at any man ere I leap into his arms.' Then look your fill, and leap…

— Charles Reade

I grew up wanting to make movies, and along the way I suddenly found that I had a career doing comedy.

— Ben Stiller

My paintings and comedy have a lot in common. They are both improvisations based on observation.

— Jonathan Winters

“When you said you were giving her a ring, I wanted to make sure she didn't eat it by accident. Who puts…

— H.M. Ward

I feel like I came in comedy's side door, and still feel very fraudulent in many ways.

— Carrie Brownstein

“The land of easy mathematics where he who works adds up and he who retires subtracts.”

— Núria Añó

The Room is a drama that is also a comedy that is also an existential cry for help that is finally a…

— Greg Sestero

I was on 'In Search of the Partridge Family,' MTV'S 'Miss Seventeen,' and the comedy 'Love Monkey.'

— Teddy Geiger

Lol with family is the best thing ever,when one of the fam member decides to tell the funniest jokes.

— Anonymous

“I need a victim and no offense Yuki, but your carrot sticks are lacking in controversy.”

— E.J. Stevens

That's humour - doing what funny people have done since comedy began without being edgy and pushing boundaries.

— David Jason

“My doctor says I must not have any serious conversation after seven [o'clock]. It makes me talk in my sleep.”

— Oscar Wilde

I think serious situations actually make for the best kind of belly laughs. But theyre also the hardest to convert into comedy…

— Mike Birbiglia

It's not like every male comic you meet is funny. Like, a lot of them are not funny.

— Erik Griffin

You know, 'Jake 2.0' had some funny things in it; I mean, I needed my sense of humor to do that part.

— Christopher Gorham

I think it might be interesting to give an Emmy to an outstanding background performance in either a comedy or drama series.

— Joe Morton