“I hate to tell you this, but it's not my birthday. Do I still get the present? ~ Michael McCade” — Samanthe Beck Copy Share Image
I feel sorry for those who don't have a sense of humor, imagine the decades they're missing on out. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,' — Carol Leifer Copy Share Image
“Fuck you . . . you fucking body-dysmorphia porn-addict trust-fund-baby compulsive-masturbation motherfucker.” — Warren Ellis Copy Share Image
I hadn't gotten a chance to do a lot of comedy, so 'Hart of Dixie' was a great place where I got… — Cress Williams Copy Share Image
“You show up at these meetings to stay sober and you walk out with a fucking education.” — Lawrence Block Copy Share Image
“Now I remember why I hate eating sheep. Horrible, fluffy things that give me hair balls and indigestion. ( Saphira from the… — Christopher Paolini Copy Share Image
“Cellaholics are those who interrupt quality time when they are with you, but rather text, call, and email others who are somewhere… — Jayce O'Neal Copy Share Image
So tenaciously should we cling to the world revealed by the Gospel, that were I to see all the Angels of Heaven… — Martin Luther Copy Share Image
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I got presents as a kid. That stopped in my teens. The small family gifts were gone. Replaced by dark humor –… — Damon Thomas Copy Share Image
“Dear God, that man has a magnificent body.' …… 'It’s like having a cupcake thrust in front of your face and not… — J.L. McCoy Copy Share Image
Comedy shows in D.C. are so much fun. I think because of the intense area that is connected to politics that people… — Joe Rogan Copy Share Image
“You can hear now. Your inner ear is formed. I shout "I love you" into the bedroom. Then I feel stupid. Then… — Suzanne Finnamore Copy Share Image
There's only one podcast subject that can give Donald Trump a run for his money when it comes to vulgarity, excess, and… — David Hepworth Copy Share Image
“Look, you mad tart, I have a covenant with God, which is: I don't mention that he has stocked the world full… — Christopher Moore Copy Share Image
“It’s an awful thing to hear a strong, desperate, fat man scream incontinently in a cave at daybreak.” — O. Henry Copy Share Image
“What the hell kind of bed you giving us, anyways? We don't want no pants rabbits.” — John Steinbeck Copy Share Image
She had...the glimmerings of a sense of humour - which is simply another name for a sense of the fitness of things. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I must try this again, I thought; I must try again someday to sit still and not say a word. Maybe when… — Nora Ephron Copy Share Image
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87. — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
A good friend helps you when you fall. A Best Friends laughs in your face and trips you again! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm very, very open minded, but there will always be a spot in my heart for the comedy pieces. — Dylan Llewellyn Copy Share Image
“People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.” — Sean Keogh Copy Share Image
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Make a sex tape, upload it, get on a reality show, release a perfume, retire. That's the new American dream. — Natasha Leggero Copy Share Image
“And just as I thought that my happy ending was beginning, it had to end so soon even though it hadn't started… — Kristine Cuevas Copy Share Image
“I'll email you,” he says as if he's asking me into the cellar to taste his vintage champagne.” — Poppet Copy Share Image
I think he needs to stand up and say if he thought the president were wrong on policy and issues, he ought… — George W. Bush Copy Share Image
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though.” — Robert DeCoteau Copy Share Image
I'm not a big 'scripted comedy' person necessarily. I'm open for wherever comedy can be found. — Jonathan Krisel Copy Share Image
I love comedy. I love the absurdity of it. I love the kind of intelligence that's required to be dumb in comedy. — Craig Mazin Copy Share Image
“So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.” — John Zakour Copy Share Image
I'm not temperamentally into high comedy. I'm not a Noel Coward kind of girl. — Kelly Reilly Copy Share Image
When we can find some humor in our upsets, they no longer seem as large or as important as they once did. — Allen Klein Copy Share Image
I'm not interested in making horror-comedies, but I'm very interested in making scary movies with funny parts. — Jason Blum Copy Share Image
“Ah, bless. I've missed her. Do you have bullets?" "Uh, no." Skulduggery paused. "Excellent.” — Derek Landy Copy Share Image
The thing about comedy is it gives you a platform to expose your own shortcomings, so it becomes a public display of… — Hannah Gadsby Copy Share Image
