Humor Quotes · Page 403

Got a proper job at 28. Gave it up to try comedy at 38. Decided to get fit and healthy at 48.…

— Ricky Gervais

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

— Jimmy Carr

“If I were Mace Tyrell, I would sooner have Joffrey's head on a pike than his cock in my daughter.”

— George R.R. Martin

If I could continue to work in comedy - whether it's TV, stand-up - I will be happy.

— Esther Povitsky

“...truly loving someone is making that person happy even if you’re not the reason behind it.”

— Kevin Anos (Vinsfortin

People are surprised I do comedy! And I'm like, 'Guys, that's all I have been doing. For, like, forever.'

— Yvonne Orji

“And he claims another victim.” I cracked a grin. “Edwin, you’re turning this infirmary into a speakeasy.”

— Katherine McIntyre

“Well, the truth is that his mother had six miscarriages, and three of them survived.”

— Oscar O'Rourke

In my family, there was not an abundance of wealth, but there was an abundance of love. So there was always humor,…

— Lauryn Hill

I met Jon Lovett, who was just coming off of three years of being a presidential speech writer and had just arrived…

— Josh Gad

“And then Dieter was like, 'Over my dead body!' "And I was thinking my roomie was about to get his wish. "And…

— B. Justin Shier

“If you're going to live here, staying civil is as much a duty as sitting the steps or washing dishes. Now, while…

— Scott Lynch

Relationships are like yard sales, they look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but then you realize its just a…

— Anonymous

“New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. I refer to the case of Van Jones, the man the…

— Bill Maher

“Give me your bow,” I said to the Nuban. He frowned. “You’re going to shoot him?” The guard laughed, but there wasn’t…

— Mark Lawrence

If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become.…

— Woody Allen

If you look back, Mozart, Haydn and Beethoven were mixing music and humor all the time.

— Richard Hyung-ki Joo

“Can no prayers pierce thee? SHYLOCK: No, none that thou hast wit enough to make.”

— William Shakespeare

People will remember a good comedy song a lot longer than they would some of the so-called straight love songs.

— Ray Stevens

Feeling supported when you are doing comedy is the best way to make comedy - at least, that's how I think.

— Nicole Byer

“Actually, I was prone to random acts of stupidity. I considered it to be one of my talents.”

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

— E. B. White

“Writing is a failure. Writing is not only useless, it's spoiled paper.”

— Anonymous

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

— George Carlin

“We are not in a foul humor, Belkin. We are in a corrupt-tempered moon. There is a difference, you know.”

— Rachel Heffington

People don't come to a comedy club simply to hear someone's thoughts, no matter how profound.

— Ted Alexandro

I'll call it a smart phone the day I yell, Wheres my freaking phone?! and it answers, Im here! Under your jacket!

— Azgraybebly Joslan

A kitten is the delight of a household. All day long, comedy is played by an incomparable actor.

— Champfleury

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

— Anonymous

“I feel like I've been ironing all day in high heels and no brassiere. ~Tizzy Donovan, Laid Out and Candle Lit”

— Ann Everett

“when you fall; it's not the ending; It's the next chance to perform better than the last one”

— Harishankar Kaushik

Doing comedy and romance is easy, if I compare it with playing the role of a real-life person.

— Ammy Virk

Some say that laughter is the best medicine, Obviously they have yet to try medicine.

— Anonymous

Either you have a sense of humor about [being a former child star], or you're in rehab. There's not a lot of…

— Wil Wheaton

“I am not worthy." he said softly. "Damn fucking straight," someone growled.”

— J.R. Ward

“Yesterday Allison bought me nail polish in the annoying shade of mauve. How can anyone look at me and think mauve?”

— Katie McGarry

“After all, I was dressed in linen and so retained a certain capacity for nonchalance.”

— Joanna Ruocco

You can't always control who walks into your life but you can control which window to throw them out.

— Anonymous

“I don’t understand why some people would even try to categorize you. After watching “Duck Dynasty”, who would have thunk?”

— Shannon L. Alder

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

— Jimmy Carr