Humor Quotes · Page 347

“Excercise is nothing more than a depressing reminder that one is not a god.”

— Rick Riordan

Older actresses apparently have no sense of humor about being older actresses.

— Ti West

I don't laugh so much at jokes and premises as I do at a guy who goes onstage and starts twitching and…

— Harland Williams

“All Bach's last movements are like the running of a sewing machine. (on Bach)”

— Arnold Bax

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

— Steve Martin

“If I wanted to consume something that looks and tastes like dirt, I’d eat dirt,” I said, “at least dirt isn’t overpriced."…

— Garrison Kelly

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

— Henny Youngman

“Nick felt a tear rise to his eye at the thought of the child's utter innocence of hangovers.”

— Alan Hollinghurst

“Let's start anew. Life is goals--Purpose-Attempts--Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.”

— Eugene Mirman

“Oh, come off it. That surly cunt is squirming like a snake.” “Could there be some sort of Freudian symbolism in your…

— Stieg Larsson

“Most would live into adulthood, as Patrick had. (Which meant there was quite a lot of competitiveness about it, with everybody wanting…

— John Green

“I liked the idea of bouncy, open-air Jeeps and I liked the outfits with all the pockets, only I didn't really want…

— Deb Caletti

“The fact is that camels are far more intelligent than dolphins. They are so much brighter that they soon realised that the…

— Terry Pratchett

There's a sort of magic and music to comedy. Some words, some numbers even, are funnier than others. A Caramac bar, for…

— David Walliams

“Jimmy said, "We survived slavery. Think about that. Not because we were strong. The American Indians were strong, and they were on…

— Maya Angelou

“If you raise a daughter to be both independent and an excellent marksman, you have to accept the fact that your control…

— Martha Wells

“It’s hard to trust our own decisions, but we have no options. We have to do that in order to be all…

— Art Hochberg

The whole [Scotch] nation hitherto has been void of wit and humour, and even incapable of relishing it.

— Horace Walpole

“You didn't weld it shut or anything like that?" "Yes, stupid me, I forgot.”

— Alastair Reynolds

You can't cheat comedy. You know, it either is going to be there on the day you capture or it's not.

— Justin Lin

But if you don't watch me, I will try and sneak in some humor. I see humor everywhere in life around me.

— Marion Ross

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

— Anonymous

“Did you ever do something and right after, you think, “Did that really happen?” Or you can’t even remember what happened? Hmmmmmmmm.”

— Art Hochberg

“He still kept smiling. And his moustache was definitely plotting something.”

— Sonya Lano

“Smartass Disciple: Why we shouldn’t judge others? Master of Stupidity: Don’t! Unless you are paid for it.”

— Toba Beta

Humor is the contemplation of the finite from the point of view of the infinite.

— Christian Morgenstern

“Eh bien! I no see not that that frog has nothing of better than another.”

— Mark Twain

I don't like being preachy. I think using fun and humor is an excellent way to make people think.

— Princess Superstar

“If somebody doesn't call me a bitch once a day, I figure I'm not doing my job.”

— J.D. Robb

“Butt holes are like a one-way street; they were made the way they were for a reason.”

— Nenia Campbell

I came from a dysfunctional family - very dysfunctional. And my father used to find great humor in throwing me down the…

— Bob Beckel

Even in comedy it's important to get your body acquainted with what you're going to do.

— Noureen DeWulf

Throw in the humor, throw in that personality, try things you wouldn't normally try.

— Melinda Clarke

I know it's going to sound cheesy, but I love show business. I love doing comedy, I love that I get to…

— Nick Kroll

All the jokes in my films, the comedy, they're not me, I just try to hold a big mirror up to us.

— Yahoo Serious

There are few lonelier sights than a good comedian being funny in a movie that doesn't know what funny is.

— Roger Ebert

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.

— Jennifer Jones

Sometimes the only way to make palatable that which is appalling and apprehensive is to season it with some humor.

— Terrence Howard

“I can't do that," I said. "Who'll make sure Tobias gets back safely? He can hardly cross a road without endangering himself.”

— Jennifer A. Nielsen

he puppeteers really responded to it. Patrick Bistrow really responded to it, it's great fun to do improve comedy with puppets.

— Brian Henson