Humor Quotes · Page 293

As a comedian, Trump is comedy gold, and he almost makes my job too easy... the stuff that comes out of his…

— Maysoon Zayid

Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.

— John Barrymore

“You show up at these meetings to stay sober and you walk out with a fucking education.”

— Lawrence Block

“Now I remember why I hate eating sheep. Horrible, fluffy things that give me hair balls and indigestion. ( Saphira from the…

— Christopher Paolini

“Cellaholics are those who interrupt quality time when they are with you, but rather text, call, and email others who are somewhere…

— Jayce O'Neal

“Fuck you . . . you fucking body-dysmorphia porn-addict trust-fund-baby compulsive-masturbation motherfucker.”

— Warren Ellis

I hadn't gotten a chance to do a lot of comedy, so 'Hart of Dixie' was a great place where I got…

— Cress Williams

I feel sorry for those who don't have a sense of humor, imagine the decades they're missing on out.

— Anonymous

“It's all right," Jeanne was yelling. "Yeah, you heard me, it's all right! Delos isn't dangerous. Not to us, anyway. Come on,…

— L.J. Smith

I like the way that Dexter mixed humor, dark humor and tragedy, in a way I don't think that I've seen another…

— Jane Espenson

“It wasn't like a date, she reasoned. Not like some weird double date with her and the brother of the dead guy…

— Nora Roberts

It was just really fun doing 'Step Brothers,' and then 'Party Down' came a year later. I was having so much fun.…

— Adam Scott

Comedy, sometimes if you think about it too much then it becomes a bit boring. If you start thinking about striking the…

— Mark Critch

“You know, I'm not even sure how we ended up living together." "I am," Jake said, turning back to the lake. "Sex.…

— Jennifer Crusie

I have often said, and oftener think, that this world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that…

— Horace Walpole

I would like, with the sun shining through the window on a crisp early-autumnal mid-morning, with a sufficiency of Monster Cappucino flowing…

— Robert Fripp

My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,'

— Carol Leifer

“I must try this again, I thought; I must try again someday to sit still and not say a word. Maybe when…

— Nora Ephron

She had...the glimmerings of a sense of humour - which is simply another name for a sense of the fitness of things.

— Anonymous

“What the hell kind of bed you giving us, anyways? We don't want no pants rabbits.”

— John Steinbeck

“It’s an awful thing to hear a strong, desperate, fat man scream incontinently in a cave at daybreak.”

— O. Henry

A good friend helps you when you fall. A Best Friends laughs in your face and trips you again!

— Anonymous

I'm very, very open minded, but there will always be a spot in my heart for the comedy pieces.

— Dylan Llewellyn

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had…

— Frankie Boyle

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

— Steve Martin

“And just as I thought that my happy ending was beginning, it had to end so soon even though it hadn't started…

— Kristine Cuevas

Make a sex tape, upload it, get on a reality show, release a perfume, retire. That's the new American dream.

— Natasha Leggero

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

— Anonymous

“People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.”

— Sean Keogh

“Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though.”

— Robert DeCoteau

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

— Mitch Hedberg

“I'll email you,” he says as if he's asking me into the cellar to taste his vintage champagne.”

— Poppet

I think he needs to stand up and say if he thought the president were wrong on policy and issues, he ought…

— George W. Bush

“So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.”

— John Zakour

I'm not temperamentally into high comedy. I'm not a Noel Coward kind of girl.

— Kelly Reilly

I love comedy. I love the absurdity of it. I love the kind of intelligence that's required to be dumb in comedy.

— Craig Mazin

I'm not a big 'scripted comedy' person necessarily. I'm open for wherever comedy can be found.

— Jonathan Krisel

“Her head titled to the side and her eyebrows crept up her face. It was her uh-durrr face, she was just too…

— H.M. Ward

“Goodnight baby, sleep in peace. After you kill that bitch!" "Goodnight mom!”

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

The thing about comedy is it gives you a platform to expose your own shortcomings, so it becomes a public display of…

— Hannah Gadsby