Humor Quotes · Page 186

“You drive on a PARKway and park on a DRIVEway”

— Elisabeth Austin

The ignorant ever shun and dread the gifted and enlightened.

— Francis Alexander Durivage

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.

— George Bernard Shaw

Good late-night humor can work at any time of the day.

— Rich Eisen

The only thing I know how to do is be funny - that's it.

— Leslie Jordan

“Oh yeah? How about M'Lin the cursed?”

— Lj Smith

“Be careful what you tell me. You could end up in my next novel.”

— P.C. Zick

“I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated.
”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

— Steven Wright

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

— Zach Galifianakis

“If you learn to laugh at yourself, you'll be entertained for a lifetime.”

— Lee McLaughlin

“Your own shortcomings are the best ground to grow your sense of humor.”

— Stu Konigsberg

“I think Newtons third law failed in the case 'girls reply to boys action'..”

— Kuppuraj

“I like to write when I feel spiteful. It is like having a good sneeze." ( Letter to Cynthia Asquith , November 1913)”

— D.H. Lawrence

Laughter is the best medicine...next to Oxycontin...and of course medicinal marijuana.

— Anonymous

“There are few things in life that are worth waking up to: sex, the dark spices of freshly brewed coffee and bacon.”

— Dannika Dark

Benjamin: I'm glad to hear your witirng experiment inspired you to read more. Reading is the best way to learn to write.…

— Mamahooana

When it comes to this business and becoming a comedy superstar, I've never really thought about things holding me back. I think…

— Retta

“How are we going to get out of here?" "Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan." " Do we…

— Derek Landy

“Mitchell sanders was sitting under a banyan tree and using a thumbnail to pry off all the body lice, working slowly, carefully…

— Tim O'Brien

The gusto of one, the indignation of the other; the challenge of the one party, the response of the other; the eloquence…

— Theodore White

“I mean, I kind of feel alphas are the romance equivalent of an impulse buy. It looks great in the shop but…

— Alexis Hall

I started doing little amateur nights at the comedy club that was right next to the restaurant that I waitressed in when…

— Katherine Ryan

Humor and profundity are not mutually exclusive, and life can be, and mostly is, serious and funny simultaneously. It's not always easy…

— Tom Shroder

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

— Mitch Hedberg

Dear Google: They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely Wikipedia

— Anonymous

I've got a dope sense of humor, brah.

— alan

I never lack material for my humor column when Congress is in session.

— Will Rogers

Confidence and a good sense of humor can usually win a chick over.

— Danny McBride

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to compute it.”

— Steven Pinker

“Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?”

— Phyllis Diller

The jackdaw, stript of her stolen colours, provokes our laughter.

— Horace

God howls with laughter at earthly plans, you know?

— Rick Moody

I love the humour of the British and I love the countryside.

— Ainsley Harriott

I've always just been attracted to comedy.

— Oscar Nunez

I cannot exist without the oxygen of laughter.

— Dawn Powell

“Vikings, it seems, make their own way.”

— Helen Russell

“Nico: With great power, comes the great need to take a nap.”

— Rick Riordan

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

— Jimmy Carr

They have miscalculated me as a leader.

— George W. Bush