The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
The thing about inventing is you have to be both stubborn and flexible. The hard part is figuring out when to be… — Jeff Bezos Copy Share Image
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Sometimes the best thing you can do is keep your mouth shut an your eyes open. The truth always comes out in… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I put my hand on the dark skin and felt the chill of centuries long gone. It was as if I had… — Nikolai Vereshchagin Copy Share Image
Brother: Hey dad, I got a new gf today Dad: Good for you son Sister: hey dad I got a new bf… — Idk Google Copy Share Image
Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: "No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then… — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Happy Leap Day! I have an 84-year-old friend who is celebrating his 21st birthday today. He can finally drink alcohol legally! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You know, I said I have this problem that I need to more carefully read Akron's text because it's too much, too… — H. R. Giger Copy Share Image
“All serious poker players try to minimize their tells, obviously. There are a couple ways to go about this. One is the… — Dan Harrington Copy Share Image
“There's something I gotta tell you," he said in a confidential tone as he leaned toward her. His face was close to… — Karen Robards Copy Share Image
The funny thing about war is that people feel you need to be morally outraged. I feel morally outraged about it, and… — Tim Hetherington Copy Share Image
It's really funny because the same people who loved me as Stringer Bell were the same people that were watching 'Daddy's Little… — Idris Elba Copy Share Image
It would mean a lot to me if your wedding guest list included fewer family members and more hot, horny, single women. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“The most absurd thing of the whole affair was that we were never engaged. He just started showing up Sunday after Sunday… — Astrid Yrigollen Copy Share Image
The truth of it is that people are not going to want to go to improvisational theater if it's not funny. You… — Christopher Guest Copy Share Image
A Big Mac, Large fries, and a DIET Coke? You must really be watching your calories. Don't be too hard on yourself. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Last night thinking of you, one tear rolled out. I asked it Why are you out? Tear said: there is someone so… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
I try to become a singer. The guitar has always been abused with distortion units and funny sorts of effects, but when… — Jeff Beck Copy Share Image
In 'Space Dandy,' I'm trying to challenge myself and do stuff I haven't done before. I'm aiming for a really funny, cool,… — Shinichiro Watanabe Copy Share Image
I get called annoying because I'm happy and positive, but hey, it's not my fault that you have a dick stuck up… — Aray Copy Share Image
I find it very easy playing Bond. I think he's hilarious. He gets himself into some extraordinarily funny situations. — Daniel Craig Copy Share Image
My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don't know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny. — Nick Kroll Copy Share Image
“And how did you know about that?” Seven looked at his watch. Chase held up a hand. “Let me guess, in two… — Adrienne Wilder Copy Share Image
Oh, it's snowing outside. I better update my Facebook status for all of my friends that don't have windows. i hate that — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sometimes I start off shows by explaining to people that it's just a bunch of stories - I always say 'It's like… — Ari Shaffir Copy Share Image
“they do have these things called bookstores there. I've heard tell that if you give them money, they let you leave with… — Lauren Morrill Copy Share Image
“Sympathy is why when a man is getting mugged, you let him keep his shirt after you take his life. Funerals are… — Bauvard Copy Share Image
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
We human girls can be persuaded to do ANYTHING. Just yesterday I said I would never ever wear a tampon, and, well… — Jeanie Wilding Copy Share Image
You know what's funny is, when I made 'Saw,' I got accused of being a fascist; when I made 'Insidious,' I got… — James Wan Copy Share Image
It's easy to just punch down but the things that I think are really funny are characters who seem real. You have… — Megan Stalter Copy Share Image
The dumbest question I was ever asked by a sportswriter was whether I hit harder with red or white gloves. As a… — Frank Crawford Copy Share Image
But the only comparison that I want to Lenny Bruce is that I'm funny. I'm Freddie Prinze, Puerto Rican all the way. — Freddie Prinze Copy Share Image
With any of the movies I've had a chance to do, or any of the TV shows I've had a chance to… — John Cena Copy Share Image
I had paralyzing fear as a kid. I couldn't watch horror movies, nothing. The funny thing is I got so sick of… — Aleister Black Copy Share Image
I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
“Lia let out a low growl and moved her arrow to the base of his fat throat. "What do you think, Gabi?… — Lisa Tawn Bergren Copy Share Image
