My biggest problem is that: I give people Chance... After Chance... After Chance... After Chance... After Chance... After Chance... — Mee Copy Share Image
Working for President Nixon was the most extraordinary professional experience of my life. He was endlessly fascinating: brilliant, visionary, kind, generous, warm,… — Monica Crowley Copy Share Image
I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I have one rule I live by: Only do what you can do. That neans you're never looking outside for what's popular;… — Delia Ephron Copy Share Image
I love going on dates. They're like social experiments and it's an excuse to get dressed up. Even if you don't get… — Georgia Toffolo Copy Share Image
The simulacrum is never that which conceals the truth--it is the truth which conceals that there is none. The simulacrum is true. — Jean Baudrillard Copy Share Image
My size has helped make me an amazing performer too. The cliche of the Funny Fat Friend: I absolutely was that character… — Beth Ditto Copy Share Image
The British are proud of their ability to create a muddle and then muddle through all difficulties. I must shake the British… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
It was always a fantasy of mine growing up - my favorite program was always 'Little House on the Prairie' - so… — Chloe Sevigny Copy Share Image
“An old man with overalls walked by; I don't think old people should wear overalls; it makes them look like shrivelly toddlers.” — Aimee Bender Copy Share Image
Macro humor is just a person being themselves in a situation, saying whatever they're going to say, and it's funny because of… — Susanna Fogel Copy Share Image
“There’s just the memory of that time he walked in on her while she was dressing, and afterward couldn’t string a sentence… — Charlotte Stein Copy Share Image
My boy and I move. We have this game where if we dress in a particular item of clothing, we have to… — Magnus Scheving Copy Share Image
Men fail to realize that a woman can give more away in 1 weeks times than a man can go out and… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Exams are like Girlfriends..Too many questions,Difficult to understand,More explanations needed.And the result is mostly failure..!. — Simi Ngr Copy Share Image
I used to like Barbra Streisand films. It was 'Funny Girl' that really turned me on, in a sense, to acting. I… — Sean Harris Copy Share Image
Credit is what enables people to spend money they havent earned, to buy things they dont need, to impress people they dont… — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Nothing makes me feel more grown up than using Facebook for actual social networking instead of stalking my exes. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Nothing is off-limits. There's just some things I cannot crack. Politics I can't do. When I start to talk about it, I… — Ali Wong Copy Share Image
“Indeed. Oh, and Fal?” “Yeah?” “Get laid, while you’re up there, won’t you?” “Oh, God.” “Seriously. Your hymen’s going to grow back,… — Meg Maguire Copy Share Image
The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“I’m glad you’re gay,” she said solemnly, “because that way, if I can’t have you, no one can.” “Um, Rocher,” I mentioned,… — Paul Rudnick Copy Share Image
Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Sometimes when jerks become Christians, it's like a bully learning karate. Instead of having Christ transform our hearts and attitudes, we now… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Perrotte frowned. “I’d like to turn a plowshare into a sword ,” she said. “I’d cut our way out of those thorns,… — Merrie Haskell Copy Share Image
“I don’t know whose bright idea it was to turn the prom into a masquerade ball, but whoever it was, I’m going… — Melyssa Winchester Copy Share Image
Somebody who opposes Trump is wound so tight, they're not funny people anyway, that they don't get his humor. They really believe… — Rush Limbaugh Copy Share Image
At fifteen, my mind was bent on learning. At thirty, I stood firm. At forty, I had no doubts. At fifty, I… — Confucius Copy Share Image
One of my favorite comedies is 'Groundhog Day' and 'Scrooged.' I love Bill Murray, and I think he's a great example of… — Fiona Gubelmann Copy Share Image
I am a big fan of Jeremy Clarkson and I love watching him on TV and reading his various columns. I think… — Julia Hartley-Brewer Copy Share Image
And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men… — Bo Burnham Copy Share Image
“How can it not exist? What does that—” A tiny grey body shot in front of the Land Rover. “Squirrel!” Mad Rogan… — Ilona Andrews Copy Share Image
I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare,… — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
I know I'm more on television, and I'm more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I… — Jurgen Klopp Copy Share Image
Obviously, I'm going to be embarrassing to the kid. There's just no way not. I just hope the kid has a really… — GloZell Copy Share Image
Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Newtons law of romance: Love can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only be changed from one girlfriend to another. — Nishan Panwar Copy Share Image
