“Looks like we have quite the predicament here, boys.” I smile at both of them, then eye the coffee in Breckin’s hands.… — Colleen Hoover Copy Share Image
I wish I could be as thin as Jessica Simpson. I think she looks gorgeous! I have had Jessica on my show… — Rachael Ray Copy Share Image
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“I’ve been trying to write the perfect book since high school. e results are in a large Rubbermaid tub in my closet.… — Jason W. Freeman Copy Share Image
“its funny how i didn't like reading but i love it know the young adult books are base on kids my age… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I… — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
At the zoo, all the animals have a decent composure, except for the monkeys. You get the feeling man is very close… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off… — Rowan Atkinson Copy Share Image
Sometimes, you just get in this mentality of 'Fuck you, this is funny.' If you don't think so, you're the asshole. — Seth Rogen Copy Share Image
I dont dream that much, but for a long time I had a recurring dream which wasnt funny at all. I was… — Hugh Dennis Copy Share Image
There's always something you missed or something you didn't notice or somehow you got wrong... I don't really have a beginning. — Damien Hirst Copy Share Image
I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I… — Richard Pryor Copy Share Image
It's funny, the power of music. I was watching 'Dracula,' the 1931 version with Bela Lugosi, and the only music you hear… — John 5 Copy Share Image
What I think is funny is when people, despite tragic situations, are still hopeful, still trying. It's sweet and sad - and,… — Casey Wilson Copy Share Image
The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled — Dan Quayle Copy Share Image
One of these suburbs is actually named Stalingrad, which goes to show that the French have learned nothing about politics since they… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“They say watch the breathing, watch the diet and for God’s sake make that kid go quiet. But they never say: “I… — Mircea Popister Copy Share Image
“My book sales are way down today. Also, I've received two scathing reviews. One of them calls me “a purveyor of insipid… — Nenia Campbell Copy Share Image
Nine out of 10 times these guys will hit it-they'll be on something incredibly funny, but one out of 10, two out… — Peter Farrelly Copy Share Image
1,2 the stalker is coming for you. 3,4 better block that whore. 5,6 she's a creeping bitch. 7,8 ain't sure if she straight. 9,10 she's stalking again. — Brii Ann Copy Share Image
I'm not really into destiny, but it's funny - I bumped into a woman who told me about an audition, and now… — Georgina Campbell Copy Share Image
“My aunt made me an offer I had to refuse," said Jared. He looked forbidding. Kami knew that expression, and remembered the… — Sarah Rees Brennan Copy Share Image
Here in the news media, our focus is on speed. When we get hold of some new and possibly inaccurate information, our… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy.… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
Dear 4th grader on facebook, How are you in a complicated relationship? What'd he do, stealyour animal crackers? -. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“It’s funny… when you’re young you spend your life trying to convince yourself you’re not like your parents. And then, every now… — Kenny Porpora Copy Share Image
Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“You took your clothes off?" "You didn't notice?" "No! Jeez Louise, I don't even know you." "If you look under the covers,… — Janet Evanovich Copy Share Image
“Not everyone who talks less or keeps quiet whenever they are with or around you does that because they find you interesting… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's… — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
“I didn’t know you enjoyed tree climbing.' 'Tree reading actually. It’s an art which should not be conducted while lethargic….” — Grace Hitchcock Copy Share Image
If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I can think of no better way to honor our fallen Civil War Union soldiers than by reminding Confederate flag-wavers that our… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I remember being four or five, not understanding how to be funny, so just going around the house and my mum and… — James Acaster Copy Share Image
The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the… — Andy Rooney Copy Share Image
There Would Be Less Number Of Princesses Or Angels In Heaven, Than The Number Of Angels And Princesses On Facebook.. — Hemant Smarty Copy Share Image
Hey Guys I Just Got Home My Head Is Killing Me But I Took a Medicine. And I'll be on and Post… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
