Last time I saw him he tried to murder me. But when you're trying to kill someone by chopping their head off,… — Colin Mochrie Copy Share Image
Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
*Types in password* Incorrect password *Types in password again* Incorrect password ARE U FRIGGIN KIDDING ME THAT IS MY¦.-Oh..Caps Lock. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Since Sienna was in an unusually cooperative mood, the session went well. He was returning from it midmorning - after a short… — Nalini Singh Copy Share Image
I hate stand-up comics; I think funny is something you are, not something you desperately try to be in front of a… — Peter Cameron Copy Share Image
It's funny because I never studied, I never took a class. So everything I do is very innate and organic; I don't… — Kimberly Elise Copy Share Image
“Fuck," Ranger said. Ranger didn't often curse and he rarely raised his voice. The fuck has been entirely conversational. Like he was… — Janet Evanovich Copy Share Image
Was he joking? Was he being sarcastic? Aggressive? Impertinent? Or just courteous? There was no telling from his impassive face. What a… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
Better a loving single-parent family than a 'conventional' family where the parents hate each other and the father is a demagogue. — Moby Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. Once again he was close. Too close. So damn close. “At all,” she… — Jill Shalvis Copy Share Image
I remember when I was a kid, my father saw an ad somewhere for 'real simulated diamonds' and he was chuckling and… — Patti Davis Copy Share Image
When your parents ask you why you're smiling while reading a text and you're just like 'CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY?!' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Good girls own only one credit card & rarely use Bad girls own only one bra & rarely use Naughty girls own… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Late twenties, single, female. Do the math. Flirty flings were fabulous until you hit the big three-O, all downhill from there. Biological… — Nicola Marsh Copy Share Image
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
[when asked by his secretary if she should destroy all files that were over ten years old] Yes, but keep copies. — Samuel Goldwyn Copy Share Image
Voyeurism, watching people go about their daily lives, is universally funny, no matter the culture, no matter the anything, it's just always… — James Murray Copy Share Image
It's a funny thing having a recording be part of your career. It means you can go back and revisit yourself, in… — Samuel Ervin Beam Copy Share Image
“Did you just call me a numpty?" "Yup. A delusional one." "What, may I ask, is a numpty?" "A person demonstrating a… — Samantha Young Copy Share Image
Y'all should be happy for me. It's funny, compared to my peers, my catalog isn't even that big, but I'm still getting… — Saweetie Copy Share Image
I think the most important thing journalism taught me is to mine for details. The details are key. You can't try to… — Karen Abbott Copy Share Image
I want to push that no matter what race you are, you're never just a sidekick or broken character. You're the main… — Lexi Underwood Copy Share Image
Advice of the Day: Sometimes you have to try not to care, no matter how much you do because sometimes you mean… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names. That’s life. That’s love. That’s fiscally… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
There have been so many discussions about my weight: How is she going to lose weight? Is she going to lose weight?… — Chrissy Metz Copy Share Image
“They have two moods, hungry and horny. So if you see a boy without an erection, you should go make him a… — Jillian Dodd Copy Share Image
When you go back to 'Friends,' and you look at that as New York, there's no black people. That's not real. You're… — Terry Crews Copy Share Image
“Everything in Australia is trying to kill you, haven't you heard? Half of the ten deadliest snakes in the world live in… — Rosalind James Copy Share Image
I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something. — Carl Hiaasen Copy Share Image
Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without your even asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective… — Wendy Wasserstein Copy Share Image
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
“He's not my boyfriend." "Ha. That's a good one. I saw you two tonsil surfing out there." I could kill her. "I… — Carrie Jones Copy Share Image
“Lachlain and Emma: 'So you expect us to sit in this enclosed compartment the entire way in silence?' 'Of course not.' She… — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
When someone says 'Id explain but its complicated.' Im not offended they think so little of me, Im offended they think so… — Olivia Munn Copy Share Image
“When you cross over into the weird stuff, there's no going back. Hector has a theory on it. Calls it the law… — A. Lee Martinez Copy Share Image
Lana Turner was adorable and funny. Jimmy Stewart was such a nice person. I quickly realized that if you're not a nice… — Robert Osborne Copy Share Image
Before I help you up when you fall down I will laugh at you so hard it will hurt, when we watch… — Lynn M Copy Share Image
If there's an audience, I think they're going to expect me to be funny. But what if I'm not funny? What if… — Gene Wilder Copy Share Image
Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less… — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
![“[when asked by his secretary if she should destroy all files that were over ten years old] Yes, but keep copies.” quote by Samuel Goldwyn](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/aec/samuel-goldwyn-3156_copies_when-asked-by-his-secretary-if-she-shoul_240016.jpg)
