In every country and in every age the priest has been hostile to liberty; he is always in allegiance to the despot,… — Thomas Jefferson Copy Share Image
I'm not a woman! Let's make that very clear! Oh I don't know, maybe I am. I am an American woman. Or… — Lars von Trier Copy Share Image
“I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
NASA scientists announced the discovery of 50 new planets, among them what they're calling Super Earth. It's indistinguishable from regular earth until… — Peter Sagal Copy Share Image
“K, boys, it’s shirts against skins. Lose ‘em,” Lucy said, pointing to the guys and ignoring Thad. “I beg your pardon?” Thad… — Christine James Copy Share Image
I loved you once, and I Didn't want to give up on us, but you're a liar and a cheater, There was… — Marly Copy Share Image
“Ah bet she’s a dirty wee minx in the scratcher. Y’see that "butter wouldnae melt" expression she’s goat goin on? That’s jist… — Jamie Holoran Copy Share Image
“The material used to make MONEY should be changed from paper to RUBBER. So people can STRETCH it to make both ends… — Nelson M. Lubao Copy Share Image
When I Die, bury me deep ten feet down fast asleep Place my chemistry book on my head, Tell my teacher that… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself. — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
When I'm at our house in France I totally cut myself off from the rest of the world. I never have to… — Johnny Depp Copy Share Image
I'm attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn't that… — Tom Brady Copy Share Image
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I hope my anus and genitals roasting in 95-degree weather all day doesn't turn you off from giving me oral sex tonight. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If you have to do something, write me a funny AIDS play. Sure you can. It's the biggest joke played on us… — Robert Patrick Copy Share Image
I love seeing girls who are funny and strong and smart being celebrated. I love seeing more girls like that represented on… — Taylor Russell Copy Share Image
I think comedy, so much of it comes out of the strange sort of golden instant 'cause you don't know why it's… — Alice Lowe Copy Share Image
“By doing ordinary actions efficiently you will become the best among ordinary, but you will not be an extraordinary.” — Amit Kalantri Copy Share Image
It's funny - when I started acting, I didn't know I was going to be talking about Asian-American issues so much. You… — Justin Chon Copy Share Image
First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your… — Leo Rosenberg Copy Share Image
“You're right, my problems are the biggest problems ever," George said. "No, honestly, it's horrible to be me. I'm rich, talented, and… — Ilona Andrews Copy Share Image
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night... you kept meowing at people and licking yourself it was not unlike you normally.” — Nicole McKay Copy Share Image
“I didn't want to prejudge but based on the company he kept, the glistening of his suit, and the poser-like swagger, I… — Harlan Coben Copy Share Image
Even when it's not the best of days, you can always tell yourself, hey, at least I'm not the person who sank… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
It was a great Olympics - Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to… — Seve Ballesteros Copy Share Image
People always say, "When did you know you were funny?" They don't mean that in a bad way - this already makes… — Rob Huebel Copy Share Image
“Damn, Ian was already there. I braced myself as he came out from behind the RV. He sniffed, his nose wrinkling. Then… — Jeaniene Frost Copy Share Image
Given the amount of food I plan to gorge on this year, I'm not confident in the integrity of this chair's construction. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I was very young, and I kind of decided I wanted to do comedy. My parents were musicians, so we traveled on… — Trevor Moore Copy Share Image
It's a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough… — Alan Alda Copy Share Image
I hope I live to be 100 if only just to mess with people by telling them fake reasons why I lived… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“After that came her biggie: a triple murder--her dealer, the dealer's sister, and the dealer's sister's boyfriend. Reading that made me feel… — George Saunders Copy Share Image
“For the most part, each day listed a different rendition of "Justin ate well" and "Justin took a great nap". Every now… — Pattie Mallette Copy Share Image
I'll be goddamned if I'm going to stay in a business where I have to get up earlier and earlier and it… — Grace Kelly Copy Share Image
When you see a good person, think of becoming like her/him. When you see someone not so good, reflect on your own… — Confucius Copy Share Image
“Static cackled from the cafeteria speaker. A bored female voice come on. “Victoria Brennan, please report to the headmaster's office. Victoria Brennan… — Kathy Reichs Copy Share Image
I just find it funny and terrible: someone being very rude and overbearing over somebody who doesn't know how to deal with… — Julia Davis Copy Share Image
