Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? This is commonly misquotes as You can't have you're cake and eat… — John Heywood Copy Share Image
“No, Roger had not seen the funny side. But there had been a moment when, after looking at his watch, he had… — John Lanchester Copy Share Image
I'm not just a singer of funny songs; I am basically, first and foremost, a musician. I'm always recording all styles of… — Ray Stevens Copy Share Image
There are hidden contradictions in the minds of people who "love Nature" while deploring the "artificialities" with which "Man has spoiled Nature.'"… — Robert A. Heinlein Copy Share Image
When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
“I'd rather live my life believing in God to die and see there is one. Because if there isn't one, it means… — Sandra Chami Kassis Copy Share Image
“He couldn’t just come right out with it, could he? No, that would scare her off. He had to be subtle, build… — Sarah Mayberry Copy Share Image
“I already have my bathroom time scheduled, so you’ll have to work around it. Please note the bathroom is unavailable for the… — Kyle Adams Copy Share Image
“I was getting tired of being in an endless succession of things called "the fight of a lifetime." Just once, I'd like… — Seanan McGuire Copy Share Image
Hope you don't mind that the side dish I'm bringing to Thanksgiving is several bottles of wine that I'm not sharing with… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Seriously, I want to make an application to detecting every images with duck face, and sell this app to facebook — RK26 Copy Share Image
Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense,… — Eric Idle Copy Share Image
“People are hitting little old ladies on the head. Teachers are driving into trees. You are being arrested every other day by… — Kristi Abbott Copy Share Image
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I don't want to come across the wrong way, which is hard when being funny or sarcastic at times, but I also… — Toni Garrn Copy Share Image
I come from a background that, when I win, people try to put me down, and when I lose, people try to… — Lance Stroll Copy Share Image
I did turn down 'The Virgin Suicides.' I talked to the producers about it, and I just honestly told them that I… — Terry Zwigoff Copy Share Image
Men and women shop differently. Men know what they want before they see it. Women don't know what they want until they… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
On the way up here to the podium, a gentleman came up to me and said, "Governor, you are as good a… — Arnold Schwarzenegger Copy Share Image
When a wicked and unworthy subject annoyed the Sultan of Turkey or the Czar of Russia, he had his head cut of… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
Police arrested 2 youths yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one & let the other off. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
You know, it's funny because I try not to talk crap but for some reason when I start talking crap, my game… — Ovince Saint Preux Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night.. You thought you were a candy vampire, you were standing in the sun screaming… — Nicole McKay Copy Share Image
Anyone who thinks they can write the perfect comedy that everyone will love is a fool. I can only write what I… — Brendan O'Carroll Copy Share Image
“Olgun! Wake up!" Her mind was filled with a sense of self-righteous and vaguely drowsy protest. "Sure you weren't, she needled at… — Ari Marmell Copy Share Image
Anything that's really grounded in humanity and is real, but just happens to be faux pas, or just really shouldn't be funny,… — Rockmond Dunbar Copy Share Image
“Project: Potential was a separate class that the gifted students went to for an hour each day. The name was supposed to… — Adam Rex Copy Share Image
I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“There never was a man with such a face as yours, unless it was your father, and I suppose he is singeing… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
Playing scales is like a boxer skipping rope or punching a bag. It's not the thing in itself; it's preparatory to the… — Barney Kessel Copy Share Image
Go to a park with shades on and a hoodie, wait until someone asks you which kid is yours and say I… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“I overheard Nona talking about my little buds and how she remembered back when she was developing into a woman, and that… — Holly Hood Copy Share Image
There are things done under the name of science which are ridiculous. But there is also stuff done which sounds funny but… — Margaret Geller Copy Share Image
What is the best safeguard against false doctrine? The Bible regularly read, regularly prayed over, regularly studied. — J. C. Ryle Copy Share Image
“I had to say it gave me a warm feeling to picture Meredith Winslow spending twenty years or so in an ill… — Kate Carlisle Copy Share Image
Success is the next best thing to happiness, and if you can't be happy as a success, it's very unlikely that you… — Michael Korda Copy Share Image
I can play a cat lady. I can't put my foot down and refuse to play anything but playing the perfect, well-adjusted… — Sarah Baker Copy Share Image
What they say about a breakthrough is completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low in order to… — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
“Don't you think 'Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter?" Julian was saying as Emma approached. "I mean, if… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
When I have had a long day at work, I want something to watch that is funny, lighthearted and easy to get… — Amy Childs Copy Share Image
