Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty." — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
In 'War Party,' I play a quarter-breed Indian. It's a serious movie, but it's funny, too. — Kevin Dillon Copy Share Image
When I was coming out of depression, I made one random video. It wasn't funny or anything, but just the idea that… — Lilly Singh Copy Share Image
What's the difference between the IQ of a stupid guy and one of a mosquito? About 5 points. How do you even… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When you describe your friend and you show a picture of your friend and the person your showing it to is like… — Candie Copy Share Image
If it's funny or it's good, then yeah, I'll do it. Whether it's big-screen or whatever wouldn't be the deciding factor for… — Matt Berry Copy Share Image
Although it was constructed in 1536, the New York subway system boasts an annual maintenance budget of nearly $8, currently stolen, and… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
'Flying In A Blue Dream' was quite automatic. I was working on another song, and I took a break and picked up… — Joe Satriani Copy Share Image
Let The Rock understand this, he beats your ass in cage match last week and now your the number 1 contender? Well… — Dwayne Johnson Copy Share Image
“When he came to, the eels were still being removed from him and Anvar was congratulating one of the rivermen. The man… — Ian Livingstone Copy Share Image
The best thing ever; is having a fire drill during your least favorite class. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“The fewer moving parts, the better." "Exactly. No truer words were ever spoken in the context of engineering.” — Christian Cantrell Copy Share Image
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. — US Air Force Manual Copy Share Image
I hate it when TV shows add background laughter when its not even funny..!! — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
We're short on wisdom; we're high on technology. Where's it going to lead? — Paul MacCready Copy Share Image
Sometimes I go into my own little world. It's okay, they know me there. — Joel Hodgson Copy Share Image
Both of us can't look good at the same time. . .It's either me or the house. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Faith is better company than imagination for the wife whose husband fails to come home on time. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
Congratulations on having just enough Facebook friends to appear popular, but not needy. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster,” — Steven Pinker Copy Share Image
I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Never take a picture of anything you are not passionately interested in. — Lisette Model Copy Share Image
A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Facebook is kind of like a refrigerator. You get bored & keep checking, but nothing ever changes — Itsme867 Copy Share Image
What you are shouts at me so loudly that I can't hear a word you say. — Ralph Waldo Emerson Copy Share Image
