We see things but we don't see them, like things that slid through the mind, one flowing into another. — Marcel Proust Copy Share Image
When it comes to sex, most women are like the government. All talk, no action. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Hey I just f%cked you, and this is crazy. The condom broke, so here's your baby. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body. — Geoffrey Parfitt Copy Share Image
Happy Mother's Day to a woman who thankfully will never be a candidate for the show Monster In-Laws. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We ought never to scoff at the wretched, for who can be sure of continued happiness? — Jean de La Fontaine Copy Share Image
“In theory I rather admire the Spaniards for not sharing our Northern time-neurosis; but unfortunately I share it myself.” — George Orwell Copy Share Image
Infancy conforms to nobody: all conform to it, so that one babe commonly makes four or five out of the adults who… — Ralph Waldo Emerson Copy Share Image
I've always found it funny when people call 'Romeo and Juliet' 'the greatest love story ever told' because - man - it… — Ryan North Copy Share Image
“Funyuns make you fart," Caspian said, and I exploded in laughter. "What's so funny?" Ben asked. I tried to stop laughing, but… — Jessica Verday Copy Share Image
It's so funny because a lot of times we'll have these discussions as writers, and you feel like you're having a discussion… — Jason Katims Copy Share Image
Many years ago a very wise man named Bernard Baruch took me aside and put his arm around my shoulder. "Harpo my… — Harpo Marx Copy Share Image
People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist... how… — Bo Burnham Copy Share Image
“The whole point of straws, I had thought, was that you did not have to set down the slice of pizza to… — Nicholson Baker Copy Share Image
I may not be able to pull on the smallest of holds, but those I can pull on I can pull on… — Jimmy Jewel Copy Share Image
“CONFESSION NO. 18 Girls just want to have fun…and live to tell about it the next day.” — Ronda Thompson Copy Share Image
You can see in others what they don't see in themselves and what the world doesn't see in them, — Maya Angelou Copy Share Image
Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour." — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
That f*ck my life moment when the only answers you know on the test are your name and date. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Even if women came with Terms & Conditions, you still wouldnt read them. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
It follows that I must accept myself for what I am before I can deliberately change it. — Christmas Humphreys Copy Share Image
Leave everything you do, every place you go, everything you touch a little better for your having been there. — Julie Andrews Copy Share Image
It's great working with Steve Carell and Jim Carrey. Those guys are really funny. — Steve Buscemi Copy Share Image
“Yeah, it's a kodak moment. Quick, take a picture. Sarah scoffs. I stick my tongue out at her.” — Annie Brewer Copy Share Image
When someone says: 'Expect the unexpected.' Slap their face and say: 'You didn't expect that, did you?' — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Everything becomes 100 times louder when you aren't trying to wake someone... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I was consumed by my love for Chris Colfer, and I just couldn't hold it in any longer. — Darren Criss Copy Share Image
Awwwh, Your Dating My Ex.? That's Cute, I'm Eating a Samwitch Do You Want Those Leftovers Too. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
